EX-GF: Please stop calling here.
ME: *sobbing* I just need to hear her voice.
EX-GF: I told you I am not putting the dog on the phone.
— Floyd is woke (@dafloydsta) July 20, 2017
Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you're well travelled, girls love it!
Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here
— inanimate corpse (@inanimatecorpse) July 4, 2016
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
— TheAlexNevil (@TheAlexNevil) December 14, 2017
i've found if you say "well well well" as soon as someone sits down across from you, you immediately get the upper hand for about 2 seconds.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 6, 2017
[falling down the stairs] WOW this is so much faster.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) June 9, 2017