Showing my date around my house-
Me: …and this is where I eat the Doritos… *gestures to my bed*
— E Who Cannot Be Named (@Mom_Overboard) November 17, 2017
Doc: You need to increase your protein intake.
Me: *buys the big bag of peanut butter cups*
— ? Miss Kerri ? (@kwirkyKerri) November 3, 2017
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
— Floyd is woke (@dafloydsta) February 2, 2017
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: "When is your wedding?"
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 9, 2017
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) September 1, 2017