I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I'm at work.
— Father Drinks McGee (@drinksmcgee) August 28, 2017
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
— not the WORST mom ? (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017
Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.
— liv. (@liv_thatsme) October 7, 2017
Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I'm not wearing your shirt
— The Nutzacker (@Mr_Kapowski) April 10, 2017
"Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?"
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) May 22, 2017