Me: I need a man with family values and a strong moral compass.— Pauline Murphy (@WhiskeyBurrito) October 5, 2017
Also me: I would totally have a threesome with the Menendez brothers.
Aw yeah it’s Friday, time to stop working and start going to work on our second jobs hell yeah— maura "are jack and biz nazis?" quint (@behindyourback) October 7, 2017
People I know are literally achieving their dreams and I'm like "my fitness app told me I drank enough water today...hold your applause"— Kelly Fitzpatrick (@KellyxxFitz) September 30, 2017
trump was either alluding to nuclear winter or he just started saying random shit that sounded cool in his head, both are equally likely— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) October 6, 2017
Kids today don’t understand. In my day, vodka’s only flavor was vodka.— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) October 5, 2017