It’s been a crazy week. Unwind from the endless barrage of bizarre and terrible news and treat yourself to some hilarity from these whip-smart women.
Until I started experiencing insomnia I had no idea it was possible to be this furious with each of my pillows individually
— erin ryan is getting serious (@morninggloria) June 3, 2018
millennial does not just mean 'young person.' like, teens are not millennials. get with the program, millennials are old and shitty now, just like you
— Whitney Reynolds (@whitneyarner) May 30, 2018
i put the diamond in the coat
AND I PUT THE COAT ON HER pic.twitter.com/doF1uQxZwH
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) June 2, 2018
? the poison
? the poison for kuzco
?the poison chosen specially to kill kuzco
— Brittany Evans (@ImBrittanyEvans) June 2, 2018
A butterfly landed on my hand while I was listening to Simon and Garfunkel and it’s the most Simon and Garfunkel thing that’s ever happened to me
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) June 2, 2018
While watching a movie with a boyfriend’s family I fell asleep. In the silence of the film I passed gas so loudly it woke me up- everyone heard it.
That young man claimed the fart as his own- that’s when I knew he loved me.
I married him. Today we celebrate 13 years together.
— Cydni Beer (@themessednest) May 28, 2018
White people can remember every Seinfeld episode ever, but need to be reminded every six months that comparing black people to apes has racist connotations.
— Melanie Dione (@beauty_jackson) May 30, 2018
This woman was walking around NYC with this label on her shoe and now she's my wife pic.twitter.com/T8UvFYgokv
— Katrin (@KatraHigher) May 31, 2018
DRAKE: “My name is Drake and I’m here to say / let’s diss pusha in a crazy way!”
PUSHA: “Here is evidence that Drake colluded with Russia.”
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) May 30, 2018
Lesbian couples inherently have more privilege than heterosexual couples as both partners can refer to the other as 'my wife' in a borat voice, whereas in the hetero couple, only one party can refer to the other as such. Gay male couples have the least as neither is the 'my wife'
— zoe ✨✨ (@bbyspinachspice) May 28, 2018
THEY PUT OUR SCHOOL'S THERAPY DOG IN THE YEARBOOK pic.twitter.com/FYHMMcqddB
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) May 29, 2018
I just learned that there are harvest mice that sleep in tulip petals.
There is good in the world. pic.twitter.com/L30fJLxcXk
— Kelli Russell Agodon (@KelliAgodon) May 31, 2018
long live the king pic.twitter.com/TNazufQYDz
— Hans Zimmer BWAAAHHHHH sound (@GraceSpelman) May 30, 2018
my dad’s new favorite game is guessing celebrities that i send him and i can’t get over this response pic.twitter.com/Q2T7hzejCq
— Martha Tesema (@martesema) June 1, 2018
Last night I went to a James Taylor concert (I AM A NICE JEWISH DAD FROM NEW ENGLAND!!) and the most charming thing happened.
WOMAN IN CROWD: I LOVE YOUUU!
JAMES TAYLOR: Wow.
JAMES TAYLOR: This is very sudden, and I can't explain it. But I think I love you, too.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) June 1, 2018
please venmo me for the emotional trauma sustained from ending your text with a period
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 30, 2018
Can ABC cancel my friend's baby shower?
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) May 29, 2018
this morning at 7eleven i saw a woman slip a donut onto her own finger and mutter “look who’s married now, mom”
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) May 31, 2018
Things that make me think about the Parent Trap:
– Oreos & peanut butter
– fancy London roads
– summer camp
– phone booths
– coat cupboards
I think about the parent trap every day.
— Scarlett Curtis (@scarcurtis) May 30, 2018
? pegnate?? Help!?
? can u get pregante…?
? will my get pragnan?
? if a women has starch masks
— moon lady (@shay_dust) May 30, 2018
This bumble claw crane with no prizes is a chilling metaphor pic.twitter.com/cdcuW3eSVJ
— Hannah Murphy (@dumb_hannah) May 30, 2018
“I never wanna hear you say, ‘I want it that way’ cause i want it that way”. He doesn’t wanna hear it because he is the one that wants it that way? He wants to be the one to say it? Also what is “it”?
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 1, 2018