I’d argue that 9 out of 10 have been in this situation. A few drinks in the system, a crowded room with nowhere to go, music blasting, gestures exchanged, your guy friend that you know is a cutie is in your face and – you suddenly exchange that look. The one you know you love, the one you know means you have a decision coming your way – are you about to have sex with your friend?
Deciding to sleep with a guy your friend is no easy decision. (At least not soberly). It’s a game of weighing out pros and cons, and the one thing that most people question is: is this worth potentially damaging a friendship over one mind-blowing (or average) night in the sack?
Yeah, it seems like just sex, and to some, it’s just that. Sex. An act. No feelings, no strings attached – just sex. But after years of trial and error and collecting stories from others, I’m about to get real with everything that can happen after you have sex with a friend. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful – and my witty advice for accepting what is.
1. Sh*t can get real awkward, real fast.
Problem: This is that weird in-between where both of you are thinking something about the situation but don’t want to say it. Maybe it’s that you’re dating someone and it’s about to get serious and you don’t want this to continue – or maybe it’s that they were absolutely awful and you never want it to happen again.
Advice: Be honest, let your friend know that you’re actually getting serious with someone else or if you’re ever in that situation just let them know that you rather not continue a sexual relationship because you appreciate your platonic one.
2. You guys can completely lose your friendship.
Problem: It doesn’t mean that you hate each other or anything bad happened, but the friendship dynamic can change. What was once a very mutual like and respect for one another can get really weird really quick – especially if one of you had feelings for the other. This is the oldest story in the book of having sex with friends.
Many times it happens because one of you has already developed an interest in the other. That could be a purely sexual interest or because you actually like this person. If you actually like them and find out that they do not have the same feelings for you, it will become time to create distance between the two of you. The other thing could be that this person is now expecting you to act a different way toward them, whether it be that they don’t want to hear about you seeing someone else, or they get jealous in general. Most people won’t express this because they’re embarrassed.
Advice: Be honest. Allow the distance. People who are meant to find a place in your life always find their way there again. Give your heart the break and allow room for someone whose feelings reciprocate for you.
3. You might piss someone off.
Problem: I had sex with my friend’s brother once and it ruined my friendship with both of them. If your friend happens to be the sibling or cousin of someone close to you and you choose to have sex with them, sometimes it’s not taken too lightly by those close to the person for whatever reason.
Maybe they’re nervous that you used them to get close to the person you just had sex with or maybe they are protective of this person and think you might not be the best idea for them. Either way, people always have opinions about what we do and although they may be inaccurate, conflicts can arise.
Advice: Apologize to them for making them question you, but don’t apologize for doing what you wanted. It’s your body, it’s your choice.
4. Your friendship may stay totally normal.
Not-So-Problem: Yay! You’ve hit the jackpot. You’ve separated sex and friendship and you guys are mutually respectable and cool toward one another. No awkward hellos, no emotional goodbyes, you guys are not even the slightest bit into pursuing more than just sex when it’s appropriate. You still chat about your regular stuff and all is well. Now you can go to the party with everyone and leave with just each other. Win-win.
5. You may catch feelings.
Problem: The old, “it’s just for fun” but then suddenly there’s a spark for you that wasn’t there before and the other person may or may not feel the same way. If they do, you’re in luck, if they don’t – see #1.
Advice: If you catch feelings, settle them with yourself immediately. Decide if this is something you’re going to pursue or if it’s something you need to let go and once again – allow distance.
6. They may use you.
Problem: Suddenly you’re getting more calls or texts than usual, but it’s not the ones you were getting before. It’s more late night hookups and casual meetups. It’s not about your day or whats going on this weekend – it’s only about sex. Anytime you try and bring up anything else, it’s impossible, they’re uninterested.
Advice: They were never your friend. I don’t need to tell you what to do next.
7. You could possibly fall for each other.
Not-so-problem: Maybe not just from one night of having sex but everything you’ve been through thus far and then having that sexual connection and energy. Years ago I started hooking up with one of my guy friends after months of just hanging out one on one all the time. We both caught feelings and ended up dating for a few years after. But I wouldn’t say the hook-up was what brought upon the feelings, I would say it was everything prior. The chances of this usually mean there had to have been feelings before on both ends, not one.
Advice: Friends that turn into boyfriends and girlfriends are always the best ones. The only thing that you might lose is your friend if you guys break up.
8. The sex sucked.
Problem: You can’t hurt your friend and tell them this, but you can make sure it never happens again.
Advice: Make sure it never happens again.