Any relationship you have in your life is going to come across some obstacles and challenges, it’s human nature. No relationship will ever truly be “perfect,” and if you are looking for that perfect, problem-free, stress-free relationship, you’re living in a fantasy world – it’s just not realistic. You can, however, fall in love with someone who makes you a better person, impacts your life in an extremely positive way and is the best fit for you at a point in time (or a long time). This person you fall in love with, however, will be a completely different person than yourself, obviously. They have different wants and different needs – different values and morals. While these may match up to yours in many ways, every single relationship that we enter requires work in some way.
The biggest problem in the majority of romantic relationships is the point in time where couples disagree and need to find a way to come to a compromise to satisfy both of their needs and wants, especially when the needs/wants are vitally different. Many women think that compromising means completely disregarding their own needs and wants and giving into those of their partners. This could not be more false.
According to relationship expert Leon F Seltzer, PhD:
The solution to this problem—which can also foster the growth so closely connected to personal happiness and fulfillment—is to learn how to best accommodate your partner’s differing desires, but without being obliged to sacrifice your own.
I know what you’re thinking – how is that even possible? How can you compromise with your partner to best meet their needs without giving up your own?
It’s really complicated, actually. There are a lot of ways in which you feel as though your wants and desires will be smashed when your partner is constantly pushing theirs down your throat. But, that’s not healthy for anyone involved. In fact, it’s toxic. The person you’re dating will be dating an “ideal” version of you and not the real you, and you’ll be left unhappy and unsatisfied. It’s a lose/lose situation entirely.
So – how can you effectively compromise in your relationship and not become a doormat that your partner walks all over? You can try a number of different things in order to come to a bottom line that both you and your partner are happy with.
The biggest thing you need to remember is communication.
It’s important to communicate your needs to your partner and vice-versa. You can’t expect your partner to be a mind reader – in fact, if you don’t speak up, you can’t expect anything to change at all. When you see a problem, approach it calmly and rationally, but make sure you approach it. If there is a difference in opinion, talk it out and try to find a way in which you can tackle the issue – big or small.
1. Both of you should write down your priorities first and foremost.
Having your priorities and your partner’s priorities in clean, neat writing can help you better understand the bigger picture. If there are things in the relationship that upset you and you will not compromise on, it’s important to tackle those and see if this person is willing to understand where you’re coming from. It’s also important to hear each other out. Maybe you think something is make-or-break in a relationship for you, but after hearing your partner explains it, you have a change of heart.
2. You need to readdress your expectations from time-to-time.
Often times, your unhappiness and disagreements in a relationship will stem from your expectations that are not being met. Often times, when we are young, we make this grand, grave and “written in stone” list of what we want in a relationship and exactly how we want our partner to be and treat us. While having values and expectations are healthy for anyone, it’s unhealthy to think that every single person you date will meet these expectations. You could fall in love with someone who misses a few of your “checklist items,” but, that doesn’t mean you need to go dumping someone you actually love. Changing your expectations is a form of compromise, but not one in which you’re losing out. In fact, you’re gaining peace of mind and realizing the bigger picture is sometimes more important.