You don’t have anything if you don’t have trust.
That’s the golden rule of relationships. And, after my own trials and errors in that department, I can say that is one hundred million percent true. But there’s something we don’t talk about as much because as much as it is important – it can be a bit taboo.
I say taboo because often times in relationships, forgiveness comes hand in hand with the fact that someone did something wrong. Someone did something that was hurtful to their partner and the relationship. Someone made a mistake.
And we don’t want to talk about mistakes.
We don’t want people to know our relationships aren’t perfect, aren’t ideal, aren’t always seamless, but guess what? No relationship is. No relationship is all sunshine and butterflies all the time. They’re hard work. They’re a commitment. So we isolate ourselves, instead of opening up and exploring our emotions as humans. We jump to worst case scenarios, we jump the gun.
But, we should talk about them.
I am often the ear to my friends when they are facing relationship troubles and need advice. I call this “the blind leading the blind” because I rarely know what the f*ck I’m doing either, but hey! My friends think I do.
However, I am never the friend to say “break-up it’s not worth it, you’ll find someone new and better” because I’ve been there – I get it. Nothing I ever say is going to make you do anything. And in the end, you’re just gonna shut me out and resent me if you do. So instead, when they’re crying their eyes out wishing their boyfriend did better and established it’s not something that they want to end the relationship, I say it’s time to forgive.
I’m not saying make excuses for unacceptable behavior.
I’m really not. If your partner goes out of their way to fu*k someone behind your back and carries on an affair with them, I would say that person is actually a piece of shit and you should run as fast and as far as you can because that is straight trash.
And unless you are the department of sanitation – trash is not your business to handle.
I’m saying that you can’t use their mistakes as ammo.
Assuming this person has apologized and recognized their wrongs, you cannot sit there and bring their mistake up as ammunition every damn time you fight. It’s not healthy, it’s not fair and it’s straight up cruel to them too. If you’re going to remain with someone after they’ve made a mistake – it’s time to work to forgive them.
You know that phrase: forgive but don’t forget?
It can work here. Forgiveness does not wipe something out of your memory, but it does give you a piece of mind. A few years ago I had a boyfriend forget to wake up to come on my family’s boat outing and I was fuming. Absolutely livid. I forgave him because it was a mistake and he apologized, but I never forgot. Meaning, if he ever “forgot to wake up” again, it would be a huge problem and we’d have to dig deeper at what he was really avoiding. Yes, you can be totally hurt if something means a lot to you, but it might not be your grounds for a break-up. And that’s okay.