Her: Is it in?
Him: Not yet
Her: Put it In now!
Him: Ok it's in
Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 23, 2016
I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She's awake now.
— Вïҏѳѩг Вєѧг ✪ (@_b1p0larbear) October 27, 2016
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He's getting married, Karen
— Floyd is woke (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016
Wife: Where are you
Me: The store
W: Don't lie to me
W: I saw the internet history
M: *hangs up* pic.twitter.com/CbhMqKVGkq
— Hip Dad Online (@hardlyrelevant) May 25, 2016
I bet my husband's favorite thing about me is how I don't order anything and then ask for sips of his drink and snatch his french fries.
— Mommy Christmases (@mommy_cusses) September 29, 2016