13 Reasons I F*cking Hate Halloween & You Should Too

I hate Halloween.

Every year I say it and every year, I get suckered into putting on a costume, going to a costume party and sucking it the f*ck up. Whenever people ask me why my answer is simple: I think it’s stupid. And, it never fails, I get a bunch of head turns and eye rolls followed by: “you get to get wasted and dress up,” “you get to eat as much candy as you want,” “but it’s so much fun.” No dude, I get to look for my missing friends all night and pee 30 times in a costume that was meant to get in and out of ONCE. So like I said, I hate Halloween. Not only do I think it’s stupid but it gives me anxiety. I’m a social person by nature, and it’s fun. But the pressure to dress up and be social on a night where so many others are trying to do the same – not so fun. I’m freaking out.

1. I hate looking for the “perfect” costume.

You don’t want to be basic – you want to be clever. But you don’t want to be so clever that no one gets it. See the problem? I think this started when I was a kid. I was too tall for the age-appropriate child costumes that looked so cute on all my friends, and I was way too young for the sexy nurse. This left me in the awkward limbo of making your own costume or squeeze into something you didn’t really want to be. Now, it’s fun looking for an ironic or iconic costume – but if I could sleep through Halloween I would too.

2. Because I can only choose one group of friends to go out with.

I’m no “Miss Popular” but, now I have to pick who to spend this one night with. Do I go with the friends I always hang with or do I go with the ones I haven’t seen in a bit and can all catch up during Halloween night? Do I stay put or venture off to a new city? DECISIONS, DECISIONS. Where the F do I go? And am I offending someone with my choice? I DON’T KNOW. But, it’s not like I can say: “we can do it again next week!” to the friends I blow off. There’s only next year.

3. Because I can’t help but wonder: will I run into that guy?

You know, the one whose texts you never respond to but always run into drunk, the guy you slept with that one time and accidentally peed the bed or maybe if life really isn’t on your side – the ex. Honestly, the possibilities are endless. But Halloween is like a full-moon in itself. The chances of running into people you don’t want to see are higher in chance than normal.

4. The chances of me getting social anxiety are high.

You remember your first college party and thinking how cool it was that Dillon from alpha beta delta tau omega epsilon whatever the f*ck he was, was grinding on you getting his face paint all up in your neck as he spilt beer down your tits? Ok great. That’s not cool anymore but somehow a drink always spills down my shirt and a guy I do not need breathing on me is. I’m anxious and I want out.

5. I’m always worried that she’s going to be there.

We all have a “she.” We all don’t want her breathing the same air as us, let alone at the same Halloween party. Vodka + she = bad.

6. My chances of injury are higher.

Seriously. I’m in heels, I’m walking on sticky floors and the chances of me being blackout are 10/10. So naturally, I’m wondering if this is going to lead to injury – or a new set of stitches. 

7. Will I get a cold sore? Herpes?

I’m kidding about herpes. But, as much as I want to pretend that Mr. Right for Tonight is hot AF, he might also be dirty AF. How do I know that making out with this guy will not give me a big fat red cold sore by next week and then recur for the remainder of my life? This is huge people.