I spend 50% more time shaving my body than having actual sex.
— Jasmine Pierce (@jasminecomedy) October 6, 2017
I'm at the age and in that generation
"Jessica what do you want for your birthday?"
Me – "A haircut"
— Jessica Libert (@Jessica_Jibert) October 6, 2017
Me: I need a man with family values and a strong moral compass.
Also me: I would totally have a threesome with the Menendez brothers.
— Pauline Murphy (@WhiskeyBurrito) October 5, 2017
Aw yeah it’s Friday, time to stop working and start going to work on our second jobs hell yeah
— maura quint (@behindyourback) October 7, 2017
People I know are literally achieving their dreams and I'm like "my fitness app told me I drank enough water today…hold your applause"
— Kelly Fitzpatrick (@KellyxxFitz) September 30, 2017
trump was either alluding to nuclear winter or he just started saying random shit that sounded cool in his head, both are equally likely
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) October 6, 2017