make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) July 25, 2017
"Based on a true story" means that the real event happened to a much less attractive person.
— CatherineLMK (@CatherineLMK) February 15, 2017
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it's in the trash with you
[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
— penjamin.ded (@upsidedowntrash) July 19, 2017
God (inventing humans): Make it so their favorite food kills them slowly.
— HughGoesThere (@HughGoesThere) March 14, 2017
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) April 25, 2017