Assuming it’s 2017 and we’re pretty open about talking about our sex lives, I’ve found that 9 out of 10 times the guy you sleep with can be categorized into 1 of 10 pretty easy categories. No matter what he does (or doesn’t do), he has an identity. While you’re adult-ing your way through life and dating around the scene, it’s a sure bet that you’ve slept with at least several of the guys on this list – maybe once or twice. Don’t try to deny it, you know it’s true.
1. The athlete:
You know he thrives off his own endurance and seeing his own body flex over you is more than enough to keep him going. It’s really not about you at all, it’s about him and how much he can show you. It’s about him getting the gold – and you cheering him on with the sound of his name.
2. The one who doesn’t shut the f*ck up:
Is he talking because he’s nervous or is he getting more nervous because he’s talking? Either way: Do more, say less.
3. The one who does all the work:
It’s like he just can’t help himself. He’s flipping you over and spinning you around to the beat of his drum. You’ll ask if you can “get on top” but he’ll probably say no and force you into letting him go down on you one more time. Not saying no – just trying to reciprocate, but thank you.
4. The one you can’t tell anyone about:
You either are not supposed to be with this guy because A. he’s an asshole; B. he’s bad news; C. he’s your ex or D. ALL OF THE ABOVE.
There is nothing you love more than getting alone time with this one because of how wrong it is for you. Despite this, you also know he does it for you every. single. time. And sometimes throwing away the moral compass isn’t so bad if you’re just looking for a quick O.
5. The dead fish:
He’s a flop. It’s like the fish that came out of the water and didn’t even try to live. He just lays there hoping you’ll bring him back to life. He’s a drag and he’s probably the same way outside the bedroom too.
6. The nice guy:
You kinda wish he’d pull your hair or hold you down but in the end, you know he’s just as excited to cuddle all night. He’ll ask you what you like and tell you to tell him “if you want to slow down.” You get bored of him quickly or use him post-breakup while you find the comfort of being alone again while having a constant companion.
7. The aggressive one:
You’re not sure with this one. Is he angry? Is he clueless? Does he watch too much porn? Is it his first time? With him, it starts off with him jolting into you like he was waiting for it all day so you think “Ok maybe he’s just excited.”
But suddenly your nipples feel like they’re about to fall off and he might have just bit off a chunk of skin. This is when you’re cringing and nothing is too hot anymore – you just want to leave.
8. The unconfident one:
“Can I go in?” “Does this feel ok?” “Should I move over?” “Are you sure you’re ok?” OMG. I might have been okay with everything before, but your lack of confidence just changed everything, and I’m not turned on anymore.
9. The wannabe Christian Grey:
He saw it in the movies, so he wants to try it now. He might not have the personality for this, but you can’t blame the guy for feeling a little risqué.
Yeah, blindfolds and hand ties can seem hot and make a man feel dominant – but that’s only if you know how to use them. You can’t knock it if you don’t try it, so give him a second to get into it and maybe he’ll work some magic on you.
10. The one:
You’ve pretty much dreamt about this one since you were a little girl. He’s taking you on dates, he’s bringing you around his friends and family and you’re no longer getting nervous about his calls and texts, you are genuinely happy to hang out with him and do more than just each other. You might just like him, you might be in love with him, but when
You might just like him, you might be in love with him, but when you’re with him in bed the feeling is right and real. You don’t question anything about it except if it might be too good to be true. But it’s not. It’s right and it’s real and its The One you’ve deserved.