4.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL— Ygrene (@Ygrene) September 2, 2017
5.
[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i'm out
shark 2: i'm out
hammerhead shark: i'm listening— andrew chamings (@AndrewChamings) September 1, 2017
6.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money— duumb (@duumb) August 30, 2017
7.
BODY: i'm exhausted
BRAIN: neat
BODY: let's sleep
BRAIN: nah
BODY: c'mon
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BODY:
BRAIN: can almost say his own name— The Dogfather (@matt___nelson) August 31, 2017
8.
BARISTA: I have a latte ready for "Give me all your money?"
ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there's been some confusion
— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) August 22, 2017
9.
wife: I am having an affair
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well
— yabkat (@ohen39) July 20, 2017
10.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 6, 2016