4.
https://twitter.com/Ygrene/status/903794591371071488
5.
[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i'm out
shark 2: i'm out
hammerhead shark: i'm listening— andrew (@AndrewChamings) September 1, 2017
6.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money— duumb (@duumb) August 30, 2017
7.
BODY: i'm exhausted
BRAIN: neat
BODY: let's sleep
BRAIN: nah
BODY: c'mon
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BODY:
BRAIN: can almost say his own name— matt (@dogfather) August 31, 2017
8.
https://twitter.com/Home_Halfway/status/900059735470288901
9.
https://twitter.com/ohen39/status/888012565397348352
10.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 6, 2016