I was on lunch with my wife and on my way back to my office. The office was set up like pods of 4 so you were never really private. So, on the ride back I went to fart. Nope. I sharted. I couldn’t get out of the car and I couldn’t fully put my butt on the seat so I kinda hovered over the car seat. I called my job and said I got sick and couldn’t come back from lunch. My supervisor asked about my bag and stuff at my pod. I told him I’d get it tomorrow. I was cracking up. We couldn’t stop laughing.
I was on my way to work one morning. I was maybe 10 minutes away when it hit me, and I wasn’t sure if I’d make it, but it was 4 am so no other places on the way were open. I get to work, and it takes about 5 minutes to get past security and get to the nearest bathroom. I try to get to the bathroom as quickly as I can, but literally as soon as I reached the stall, it all came out. And it came out EVERYWHERE. On the floor, all over my pants, the toilet. Luckily not a lot of people were there that early in the morning, so I tried my best to clean everything up, I had to throw out my underwear and I ran my pants under water and washed them with the hand soap. Unfortunately I couldn’t go home nor did I have an extra pair in my locker, and I didn’t completely get the smell out, so I spent all day in those pants. To this day I have no idea if anyone knows what happened but I never told anyone until now. And now I always make sure to keep spare clothes at work.
I went on a trip with some friends to the beach. There were five of us and my friend’s mom. The last day I was feeling particularly brave and so I decided that it was okay to poop “we’re leaving in less than an hour it’s fine” I thought. Biggest mistake of my life. I pooped, and mind you it wasn’t even that much cause I was scared of it not going away, and so when I flushed it IT DIDNT GO AWAY. The water went away but that asshole of a toilet just let the shit sit there. My effort literally went to shit. And so there I am freaking the fuck out because we’re leaving in twenty minutes and I can’t just leave it there. In my desperation I flushed the toilet again which only made it worse because now the toilet was full of water and the shit was just floating in circles. My best friend then knocks on the door and asks me if I’m done. I sure as fuck am not but I can’t tell her that so an idea flashes through my mind. I open the door just a crack and I tell her “Dude I just had my period, do you have anything I can use?” She then says “I only have pads, but the little ones” That was the response I was hoping for and you’ll see why in a sec. Then I tell her if she could bring me two of those and she gives them to me. Now listen, I’d given up on the toilet completely flushing but what really bothered me was someone seeing that piece of poop on the surface, and so I did what I had to do. I took one of the pads, completely extended it, took half of the poop, threw it in the trash and proceeded to the same with the other. You could still see the poop through the pad so I had to put some toilet paper and cover that shit up. Needless to say I felt gross…..and proud.
I thought I just had to fart… McDonald’s, morning of my AP Chem exam. I crapped my pants and then no store sold underwear that was open and I would have been late if I had gone home. I sat in poop the entire test time and ended up making a 1. Thriving and Surviving
In college, I went on a school service trip to Mexicali. A good portion of the school goes on this trip. Part of this trip was sleeping in tents and just generally living in close quarters with everyone. Well, on the last couple days, the stomach flu was spreading through the camp like wildfire. I woke up on the last day not feeling quite right, but just brushed it off. As I was helping pack up the tent, a wave of nausea hit me, and I vomited in front of the entire camp, which would have been bad enough, except for poop was actively shooting out my butt at the same time. Everyone on the trip saw it all unfold. Inside I was mortified, but I couldn’t stop this vomit/diarrhea cycle. Finally, the nurse came and gave me a shot of ondansetron (in my butt in front of everyone). The final embarrassment was yet to come. Back at school, I worked a front-facing job where a lot of students would come see me. I was recognized over and over as the “diarrhea/butt shot in front of everyone” girl.
I had an intolerance reaction at a friend’s birthday at her home (for those without any intolerances, intolerance reactions are typically violent on your digestive system). Anyway, I was talking to friends trying to pass it off as “feeling fine”, until I got surprised by diarrhea exploding out of my shorts onto her white rug.
On my gap year I got to go to a lot of amazing places and one of those amazing places was Fiji! I should preface this by saying it wasn’t the Fiji most people experience where they lay on a beach all day. We were in villages with no electricity or running water which is an experience I’m truly thankful for and would never give up, but obviously the environment was very different from what I’m used to in the US so I got sick, really sick. I learned what double dragoning is (when you’re throwing up and have diarrhea at the same time) and I would have to walk from my cabin, to the outhouse across the village to do this. We finally decided I should see a doctor, but it was a two hour drive in the back of a pickup truck on an incredibly bumpy road. This caused me to shit my pants. I don’t know why I thought I could just slip out a fart when I had been shitting fire the past couple days. Never trust the fart. It doesn’t go well.
I pooped my pants while simultaneously throwing up out the passenger door of my husband’s truck on the shoulder of the highway in bumper to bumper traffic. We were miles from a gas station so I just had to sit in my own sh*t while my husband tried to get out of the traffic as fast as he could.
It was my sophomore year of college and the ending of the semester. My roommates and I decided to go to Philly for the day during the weekend, but after a night full of heavy drinking and eating, my stomach was not in the best condition. It hurt ALL day and I reluctantly got in the car for the drive. As the day went on, I felt better and better. We stopped at Geno’s for some famous philly cheesesteaks. All that grease did me dirty. We all got in the car to drive to south street and parked next to a local park. We sat and talked for a while when I realized, holy shit… I’m gonna shit my pants. I got out of the car and darted towards the sight of stores and bathrooms. Realizing they would probably all be locked unless I bought something, I knew I would never make it. I ran straight to the public park and saw a building, thinking there would be a public bathroom… I was so happy. Praise the lord. To my sadness, no bathroom. At my wits end, I squatted next to the water fountain in the corner and pooped right in public (in the darkness). I apologize to the people who found my mess!
It was my freshman year of college and I had the most BEAUTIFUL lab partner for my chem 100 class, feeling like a lucky girl. One day during lab, my stomach was rumbling. I thought it was just gas, so I waited on as my lab TA gave her presentation for lab and gave us our “pre lab” quiz. Finally the lab started and so did my stomach… I suddenly had the urge to go, and go NOW. I told my gorgeous lab partner I would be right back and ran to the closest bathroom which was downstairs in the basement. I’m squeezing my cheeks, holding my butt together and finally make it to the bathroom. I swung the stall door open and right before I sit down and finally make it to victory, I shit my pants which were gray yoga pants. It took me about 15 minutes to clean myself up and create my game plan on what to do. I finally got the courage to go upstairs, tell my lab partner I threw up in the bathroom and needed to go home, and walked all the way home through main campus in my shit covered pants ???? chem 103 will forever haunt my dreams.