Codependency is a thing people arent aware that theyre a part of. You dont have to do everything with your partner
Not being invested in your partners successes.
Realized what was tearing away at my first marriage. My wife was always mad when something good happened to me. Like it took the focus off of her. It was very emotionally draining. Because a small part of me stopped looking for successes personally because it would make trouble at home.
Expecting your SO to ditch their lifelong hobbies to pay more attention to you.
Different culture. Not that it can’t work. But if both side are not willing to give up a bit of their culture to grow an independent culture in the relationship, it will fail.
A small thing that adds up over time: keeping score.
Long-lasting and fulfilling relationships are those in which both participants do things for one another because they want to make the other person feel good/happy/cared for/secure. Gestures and things they do are about theother person.
Secretly toxic relationships that appear fine but suddenly implode out of nowhere one week tend to be those in which one or both partners do things for one another because they want and expect it to be “paid back” – intimately, financially, etc – and so they keep score (Consciously or not) on what they’ve given and what they’ve received. Gestures and things they do are about satisfying their own self.
When this is the case, inevitably imbalance is introduced and resentment forms from the feeling of the score being uneven.
I was with a guy once who had recently lost a ton of weight before we got together, went from being fat and pimply, to fit and handsome. He could NEVER get over his past insecurities from being fat and projected them all into our relationship and me. Eventually he became emotionally abusive and would constantly accuse me of cheating or trying to cheat. I finally ended it after he pulled a meme up on my computer, which he wasn’t supposed to be on anyway, that was something along the lines of “returning to the hoe life” that my friend had sent me in an iMessage, about herself btw. He completely lost it and began screaming at me, and all I could think of was that I was in a fight over a fucking meme and quickly got myself out of that situation.
Apathy, when partner just stops showing you that you matter or he never showed you because he doesnt know how (in the beginning you were too in love to see that).
Letting yourself go. Physical attraction is essential in a relationship. If over a few years either partner gains excessive weight I could see that being a problem.
Now I also wholeheartedly believe in mentioning to your SO if they are gaining weight excessively and it is having a negative impact on your relationship. Sometimes life gets the best of us and we dont notice the weight gain , but each partner owes it to each other to stay healthy. My wife and I have this agreement where if either of us start packing on the pounds excessively than we mention it.
Theres a stigma amongst couples where you dont mention your partners weight , but thats BS! You should care about each others health.
Being inconsiderate of the other person – like in the past month my SO has left his alarms to go off when he isn’t in the room or in the house and so I’m woken at least an hour before my alarm would go off. Making a mess and not cleaning it up. Expecting me to take a day off or work from home because SO is expecting a delivery or has a service person coming out to fix or install something. Making plans and not telling me but expecting me to be ready on time. It’s really hard to overlook these things just because SO does something nice or is generally a good partner.
Thinking you can change them. A long term relationship for me ended when I realized that he was constantly trying to change aspects of my life or personality. Be more this, less that. Do this instead of that.
In the end, no matter how many changes I made it wasnt enough for him. Eventually I had to give up even though I still loved him. I can only be what I am – not what someone else thinks I could or should be.