*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 22, 2017
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 4, 2011
*goes into parental control settings and adds caillou to restricted list*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 28, 2018
Another surprise benefit of having a baby is using my new swaddling skills to roll a tight, tight burrito.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 24, 2015
When you find out you’re going to be a parent, you should automatically be enrolled in a wine-of-the-month club.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 29, 2018
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 14, 2017
Ordering an "artisan" pizza makes you feel young & trendy again while watching Boss Baby with your kids for the 800th time.
— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) September 14, 2017
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 20, 2017