Having a baby is no easy task. You go through nine months of nurturing another human, worrying constantly about what you’re eating/drinking. Then, you spend hours pushing the said human out of a small hole. It’s no day at the beach. While childbirth seems traumatic and complicated, it can also be pretty funny. Maybe not in that exact moment, but when some moms look back on their labor, they can’t help but laugh.
I was having a really bad contraction and going, ‘mmmmm’, but as the contraction got more intense, it became, ‘mmmmMOOO’. I literally mooed. Like a cow.
The hottest doctor I’d ever seen came in to check my cervix, and then he stood up and said, ‘She’s got quite a lot of hair!’ I was enraged, because I hadn’t seen my feet in weeks, let alone had time to trim up down there! After my rage subsided, I realized he was referencing my baby’s hair, not my vagina.
While having my first i was awake from 9 pm to 7 am trying to breath through the contractions. I finally couldn’t do it anymore and was just so exhausted that I asked for an epidural. I was able to finally sleep with the epidural. It was glorious! I felt nothing from the waist down! Well they came in to check me a few hours after and I sat up. I thought I heard my husband fart and was really really embarrassed that he would do that when the drs came in. The whole time they were checking me I was just so annoyed that he would do that. When the drs left I asked him about it and he goes “wasn’t me, babe. It was you.” I laughed so hard and was so embarrassed that the dr had to check me after I had just farted. And let me just say…it wasn’t a small toot. It was a hunky bloooop. Poor dr.
We were trying to get things going so decided to go for an early morning dog walk. My waters went while out. The combination of warm waters and a frosty crisp morning equals a very steamy crotch. My husband pointed and laughed at me for about ten minutes. I then had to waddle home wet and steaming.
I’d been given laughing gas, and it caused me to grope my mom’s breasts, laughing and saying, ‘Ha ha, boobies!’
We were headed to the hospital, and we got stuck behind a school bus. I was screaming my head off in pain, when I looked up and saw all the kids on the bus staring at me, terrified!
Me in labour at home with first baby. So far, so cosy. Husband and midwife (who he happened to have been at school with) reliving old times and giggling in the corner. Me in snarling zombie voice: Shut the f—- up I’m having a baby over here!!!! They were considerably more attentive after that.
With my first I was induced and and when he finally arrived he had a “cone head”. When the nurse was cleaning him off she goes, “wow, that’s a cone head dan aykroyd, would be jealous of.”
I found out the hard way that demerol makes me hallucinate when I grabbed my husband’s arm after a contraction and told him, ‘We have to leave this planet. It’s gone barren.’
when my son was born, my husband cut the umbilical cord and blood splattered EVERYWHERE, including all over my husband’s face. he looked like dexter morgan.
I was pushing when some old guy in shorts and a cardigan walked into my birthing suite. I yelled, ‘Get the fuck out, old man!’…only for my midwife to inform me that he was actually the obstetrician. My bad.
I pushed so hard, fluid shot over the doctor’s shoulder, across the room, and hit the wall! The doctor said that was the first time that had happened in all his years delivering babies. Housekeeping was walking into the room to clean up as they were wheeling me out of L
A little while after I had gotten my epidural, I obviously couldn’t feel anything from my chest down, which was amazing. Then came time to push, my nurse and my husband put my legs in the stirrups and I loudly say, “WHOA! THOSE ARE MINE!!” Because I had no clue my legs had moved, let alone come a couple of inches from my face.
As I was getting ready to push my husband whispered “Maximum Effort” to me.
Literally spent the entire time I was pushing yelling “I don’t want to poo!” In between grunting.