If you were to ask me what my dream job would be–even when I was younger–I would tell you: getting paid to eat. When I started out wanting to write, I even thought about becoming a food critic, someone who would be able to combine the two best things in life (in my eyes)–food and words. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I would be forced into eating things I would never want anywhere near my mouth and decided otherwise. If there was a job out there that would let me travel to every single pizza place in the world and try a slice, write about it, and collect a nice paycheck–let me know (@Barstool, call me). I always thought having a job like this would be physically impossible and definitely one of those “crazy dreams” I would have, until that is, I stumbled upon a job opening that…well…is what dreams are made of.
B&M, a supermarket chain in England, is hiring a “chicken nugget connoisseur” to start immediately. Now, I’m not a connoisseur about many things in life–but, chicken nuggets is something I place a high value on. I know where you can get the best chicken nuggets, with the best dipping sauces, and the hours of operation of each place. I even know which fast food chains in my area have the crispiest nuggets and are always having a surplus of sauces (no one wants to go to KFC and find out they’re out of FLG sauce y’all). This job was tailor-made for me.
According to the job listing:
B&M is currently one of the fastest growing discount retailers and we’re always looking to expand our range of products. Next month we’ll be launching a brand new fresh and frozen food range in a selection of our stores nationwide.
To help us ensure that the range is the best in the country we’re offering one lucky person the chance to taste test some of our range.
Taste test frozen food? Dude, I’m already packing a back to move to England.
As well, they lay out some “experience points” in their job listing:
Do you think you have relevant experience? – experience can include, but is not limited to:
Getting the 20 share box of nuggets from McDonalds and keeping them all for yourself
Been there, done that.
Being the first in the office kitchen whenever someone says there’s cake
Always.
That time you tripped and fell at a buffet and saved the plate before yourself
What other way is there to live life?
Going to an event or party because there is free food
The only reason I attend weddings/birthday parties.
You value the importance of a fish finger sandwich in life
Eh.
You can conduct a power point presentation on the reasoning behind curly fries being nicer than chips
CURLY FRIES > EVERYTHING.
As you can see, this job is perfect for me (and probably 99.9% of humanity). They should add “steals nephew’s Dino Nuggets from him while he eats his lunch to the “experience points.” What an amazing opportunity for some lucky individual. Unfortunately, I don’t live in England and since the job is temporary, I can’t be moving across the world to stuff my face with nuggs. But, hey, if you live in England and want some good eats and money–here’s the link to apply.