So you’ve been with your partner for a few years and y’all have decided it may be time to introduce a third party into your bedroom. This is great. I am happy for you. It is 2017 and any and all sexual acts between two consensual adults is fair game and encouraged.
Sex columnist Dan Savage calls being a good sex partner GGG— “‘good, giving, and game.’ Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving of equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything—within reason.'” I’m gonna lean on Dan Savage heavy throughout this article because the dude knows what he’s talking about better than anyone else I’ve ever listened to or read.
So if idea of a threesome is exciting to you, more power to you. But before jumping the gun on allowing a third into your sex life and relationship, make sure you ask yourself these questions first.
1. Why do you want to do this?
Who brought the idea of a threesome up first? Was it your partner? This isn’t to say they have some ulterior motive, like they want to hook up with someone else with your permission, or they’re looking for a way out. It’s to say that the most important thing is to check in with yourself. Make sure you aren’t feeling pressured to please your insistent partner or to “save” your relationship (a threesome will absolutely not save your relationship.)
There is a right reason and a wrong reason to have a threesome. According to Dan Savage, the right way means “it’s about your bond with your partner and about wanting to share the pleasure that is a threesome with your partner primarily. It is about their sexual connection and about adding fuel to the fire”
The wrong way to do it is seeking a threesome because you are “unsatisfied with your partner and you don’t have the courage to break up” so you bring another person into their relationship because you are more attracted to them than you are to your SO.
Make sure you are not in this boat, whether you are the unsatisfied one seeking a threesome or the SO your partner is no longer attracted to.
2. Are you 100% sure both partners (and YOU) know and are fully comfortable with your expectations?
In order to have a successful threesome, everyone needs to be comfortable. In order for that to happen, you have to be super clear about your expectations, your boundaries, and what exactly it is you are signing up for. Make sure everyone is on the same page so that afterwards you don’t find yourself wishing it had gone differently. As always, communication is key.
Sex columnist Dan Savage also brings up a good point when he says if your partner isn’t bi and/or the third isn’t bi, the sex sort of “collapses,” as in one party ends up kinda third-wheeling. He suggests establishing a time-out in order to make sure everyone is having a good time. Don’t worry about ruining the mood—that should be your least concern. In other words, “You should be able to check in, without checking out.”
3. Are you willing to put in the effort?
Finding a third takes a lot of time and work. It takes so much time and work that Dan Savage calls the perfect third a “unicorn.” Are they attracted to you and your partner? Are you and your partner attracted to them? Are they willing to just have fun, no strings attached, no pressure? Would you feel awkward asking them if they have been recently tested for STIs?
Finding your unicorn means taking the effort to check off a lot of boxes while still running the risk of a super awkward encounter. Make sure you and your partner are prepared for what’s ahead.