21.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
22.
Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 6, 2016
23.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
24.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It's not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2015
25.
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
26.
Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.
Me: No need. I'll remember.
[an hour later]
Wife: What did you buy?
Me: A panda.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016
27.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 30, 2015
28.
Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015
29.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015
30.
87% of married sex starts with someone pausing House Hunters.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 3, 2016