I’ll paint the picture for you:
You meet a new guy and everything is great. You’re going to dinners, hanging out with each other’s friends, and maybe even binging the same show together. This is no longer just “that guy” you’re hooking up with anymore when you’re talking to your friends – you’re using his actual name.
Everything seems to be going down the right path and you’re confident as hell this could work out… until he drops a name you’ve never heard, but a name you’ll learn to know – it’s his ex-girlfriend.
The happy-bubble is popped and you realize, he’s human and he has a past.
Just like every other girl on this planet – I have an ex. And for some reason or another every time someone new is dating him or starting to see him, I catch them all on my social media pages trying to uncover the mystery of who I am.
Whether the girl’s mom accidentally likes my picture (awkward) or they not so secretly watch my Instagram story, I can’t help but feel like I’m being trolled for no f*cking reason. It leaves me wondering just one thing: why?
And I wonder: Why do women get so wrapped up in the past of our men? Is it insecurity? Are we a little crazy? Or just plain nosey? Here are a few things to consider next time you are digging up the dirt on your new man’s past.
1. Are you trolling because your new man makes you think he’s still into his ex?
If this is the case, you need to be honest with him and you need to be honest with yourself. If he just got out of – let’s say a six-month relationship – chances are the emotional depth of this might not be the same as a four-year one.
Did you find an old card or picture in his room? That could be a red flag that he’s holding onto his past or it could mean he doesn’t clean enough. Is he bringing her up in regular conversation or avoiding the topic at all cost? Either extreme probably means he hasn’t resolved his feelings for her. Is it fair to yourself to emotionally invest into a person who might not be able to emotionally invest in you?
If he can’t have an open conversation about it, that could be a sign about how he handles other touchy subjects later on.
2. Are you comparing yourself to the women of his past?
It’s 2017 and if you’re a girl who still believes after everything we know about men, that looks are what will keep him, you are wrong and you should know that from now. Yes, men are visual creatures and yes – if you are their “type” the chances of him talking to you or approaching you might be that much higher. But personality and the person you’re spending the time with matters just as much and, chances are, if he’s spending time with you – he’s not comparing you two in looks. He’s just enjoying you as a person.
3. Don’t you have a past also?
Come on girl, look in the mirror.
How would you feel if your new boo looked up your irrelevant AF ex and found pictures of you guys from your 2015 summer vacation? Of course, you look happy with him, you were dating! Just because you catch a glimpse of your man’s past with his ex doesn’t mean you have the slightest clue about what became their future. Maybe he was on that vacation thinking about how it would be the last one. Either way – it’s just not your business.
4. You can’t get mad at what you find.
You might find that your new man was actually pretty close with his ex’s family, or that they spent every Sunday watching football together. Either way, you can’t get jealous, start inviting him to every family BBQ and get mad when he wants to take things slow. That stuff takes time. And you can’t freak out that you’ve been told: “Sundays are for the boys.”
It’s not about her and what they did together, it’s about you two now and your common ground.
5. And finally – aren’t you more than that?
Girl, the first thing a man loves is confidence.
The second you show signs of jealousy and insecurity you’re already losing. As the ex who is constantly trolled, I promise you – we don’t care about you as much as you might care about us.
The past is the past, and things change. We wish you could realize how important that is for you to know. You are so much more than just a comparison to the girl before you. And it’s not because you’re better or she’s worse, but because you are your own person and you are your own worth. There’s something about you that’s unique and your man likes – but should like yourself enough to know your worth as well. That’s what’s more important than being “better” than the ex.