Shout out to all the couples who have to have a serious argument in full costume tonight
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) November 1, 2019
A little girl with green hair chalk just asked me if my hair was dyed for Halloween. When I told her it was green year round she turned to her dad and screamed:
“YOU SAID GREEN HAIR WAS ILLEGAL AFTER HALLOWEEN! WHY DID YOU LIE?!”
— BJ Colangelo (@bjcolangelo) October 27, 2019
At a party last night, I went up to a woman dressed as the goth baker from this season of Great British Baking Show to compliment her on her costume…. and it WAS Helena, goth baker from this season of Great British Baking Show. I then screamed into her face and we hugged.
— Emily V Gordon (@emilyvgordon) November 1, 2019
my therapist just referred to her therapist as my grand-therapist . trying to process.
— corie johnson (@corietjohnson) October 30, 2019
“Listen, this may be difficult to hear but you’re in major denial about the reality of your situation and I’m telling you this because I love you, not to hurt you” – me to the 2 year old I babysit who thinks he’s turning 5 this year.
— Alli Brown (@heyitsmeAlliB) November 1, 2019
Me when I found out I had 1.2% Italian ancestry pic.twitter.com/bIiexpcCBS
— Rachel Fisher (@TheRachelFisher) October 28, 2019
Joker (2019) pic.twitter.com/wQDVW0wJ5c
— Toby Herman (@tobyherman27) October 30, 2019
It’s never safe in the Rodriguez house pic.twitter.com/jJUZVMsNIH
— Anna Rodriguez (@annarod8) October 24, 2019
i use the WW (formerly known as Weight Watchers) program to keep track of how often i can gain and lose the same 4 pounds.
— Alyssa Wolff (@alyssawolff) October 29, 2019
Whoever is making rorschach tests these days should mix it up so they don’t all look like my father.
— Sloane Crosley (@askanyone) October 29, 2019