20.
I was at a student-run bar on campus with some friends, and we were ordering drinks at our table. I asked the server if they had a draft list for beers on tap, and she said “there are quite a few, what kind of beer do you usually like?”
What I intended to answer with was that I like a lot of different kinds of beer and usually just pick something I haven’t tried before, but instead, without thinking, I said “what I like is to look at a draft list so I can decide for myself.”
I immediately realized how dickish that sounded. My friends called me out hard on it right away at the same time as I sputtered a profuse apology, and luckily the server was cool about it.
19.
When I look at my Facebook memories and read some of the replies I’ve given to people in the comments it makes me wonder why people continue to have any sort of contact with me.
18.
Years ago there was this girl I thought was really hot. I was talking to her at a party and she said her dog was sick and might die and she was really sad about it. A few weeks later I was at a bar, a little drunk (and new to drinking), she came up to me to say hello and the first words that came out of my mouth was “So is your dog dead yet?” She was shocked and kind of said “yeah” and walked away sad.
I still don’t know why those were the first words out of my mouth lol.
17.
Looked to my left, then my right. No one in sight. Went into the handicap toilet to drop a deuce.
When I got out, there was one waiting for me to finish…….
16.
When my coworker in the cube over started telling me about how she started dating again, but can’t seem to find a good guy. When the conversation ended and we turned back to our computers, I started singing – “I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known.” It was unintentional, but I know she heard… And at that moment I realized even at a subconscious level I’m an asshole.
15.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. An acquaintance told me she was pregnant, and my automatic response was “I’m sorry”, because somehow, despite the fact that I am thirty years old and have a uterus myself, I can’t get it through my head that some people actually *want* kids. I tried to backtrack, and she got a bit quiet and just moved the conversation along. A few others were with us, and they started talking about stopping at the liquor store on their way home. The pregnant lady mentions she won’t be drinking, and I for some fucking reason encourage her to go home and have a few too. Everyone literally collectively goes “NO!” and it slowly dawns on my dumb ass exactly WHY she’s choosing not to drink, and I decide it would be best if I just don’t talk anymore for a while.
You would think I’d be really embarrassed but it’s so egregious that I’m just in awe of my own stunning lack of foresight and common sense. I’m usually considered to be polite and welcoming, and a good listener even, but every now and then I just come out with the most blunt and insulting and absurd shit. Like the time I told someone I didn’t want them in my life anymore once we were no longer in school together, or the time I managed to get angry with a friend because she was upset that one of her parents had died??? Either I’m secretly a huge asshole and just hide it well most of the time or my IQ just briefly plummets by like 80 points every couple of years, I don’t know.
14.
Sometimes I forget to tell people I have trouble hearing. Yesterday my coworker said something like “something something accessories” and I’m like:
“K cool” and I walk away. Turns out he said “Come check out the accessories” because I’d given him tips on how to set up the wall and he wanted feedback. Whoops.
13.
I was on the phone to a guy I’d never spoken to before. He was from a business. We were going over certain details, I think to fill out a form over the phone, or something?
The problem is, I had no idea he was a dude. I thought he was a nice, elderly woman. My toddler was being noisy and interrupting us. I was also really busy prior to this phone call, so wasn’t fully focused, because I was thinking about finishing up the phone call quickly and getting back to all the things I had to do.
So, I said to my daughter, ‘excuse me? You need to be quiet and wait, because I’m talking on the phone to this nice lady right now.’
Meekly, he said, ‘um…I’m a man.’ I was mortified and apologised several times. We continued going through info over the phone, and in my head I’m thinking, ‘wow! I just can’t hear a man in this voice! Oh well, I know he’s a man now, so I’ll call him a he.’
Then my daughter interrupted me again, and I was really getting scatter brained trying to juggle the phone call, my daughter and the thoughts of all the stuff I had to do. I said, (AGAIN, after he’d already told me he’s a man!) ‘just let me speak to the lady! I’ll talk to you as soon as I’m off the phone!’ and he squeaked out, ‘man.’
I mean, how do you fuck that up, twice??
12.
Back in high school I was in a car being driven somewhere, along with a friend and a few acquaintances. For context, I was more or less a straight-A student and I come from a family that highly values college education and professional success. The other kids in the car were also really smart people, but for the most part, not very serious students.
One of my acquaintances was talking about someone he knew who had apparently been going through a rough time. He said something like, “Yeah, Tom’s doing much better now. He just became a manager at Applebee’s.”
Without even really thinking about it, I made some snarky comment like “Oh, yeah, he sounds realsuccessful.”
The guy who was telling the story called me out on it right away. “You know, that might not be your idea of success, but some people have to work really hard to get a job like that, and they should be proud of it.”
I immediately felt like a huge asshole, even though the person I had put down never heard the comment and didn’t even know I existed. I was embarrassed, but in retrospect I’m really glad that guy called me out on the comment. It reminded me that despite growing up in the same town with all these people, we all had very different lives and I shouldn’t assume that I know somebody’s story based on where they live and the job they have. The Applebee’s guy probably worked way harder to get that job than I have ever had to work to get anything.
11.
I was watching a movie in my car through my stereo. Just sitting there in my apartments parking lot. A kid about 10 years old walked by in front of my car and made a throwing motion with his arm and I heard what sounded like glass breaking. I thought this kid was breaking bottles in our parking lot where we park so naturally I got pissed. I got out of the car and started berating the kid for being a little bottle breaking jerk. He denied it and teared up and ran home. I could not find any broken glass on the ground. Turns out what I heard was a sound effect from the movie I was watching and not the kid at all. I still feel bad when I think about this ????