Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.
He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.
I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.
She will be getting her own utility knife now.
[Edit: Common question – Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn’t have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn’t. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]
Now, for the most part, people seemed to be shocked by these gross antics. I’m sure almost everyone has a similar reaction when reading this, and that is WTF?! I could be wrong though; there seems to be a fair amount of people who shared that they too have some form of poop utensil. Is this a secret that I don’t know about? Like, do my friends have ‘poop knives’? Where do you keep it? So many questions that I don’t think I want the answers to. Either way, there was a shocking number of people who feel LearnedButt‘s antics aren’t too farfetched.
This Reddit thread opened the door for a few horrifying family bathroom tales that I’m pretty sure I could have lived without knowing. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m a big fan of the toilet and the conventional bathroom experience. I also didn’t realize how bizarre some peoples upbringings are.
Do you have a poop knife?
Am I the only one that doesn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know going to the bathroom was such an ordeal for some people. Am I in the majority or the minority here? This Reddit thread has flipped my whole life upside down. Do you people use a ‘poop knife’? It’s 2018 how are poop knives a thing?!?