So when I heard about this so-called ‘poop knife’ I thought it had to be a phrase from ‘Cards Against Humanity.‘ Unfortunately, I was very much mistaken. The ‘poop knife’ was shared with us by a Reddit user LearnedButt, and I’m equally confused and disgusted. This can’t be a common thing, can it? His story begins with sharing on how his family has some sort of genetically enhanced super pooping thing. I don’t know, don’t look at me. Things only seem to get stranger as the entire story begins to unfold. I’m just hoping LearnedButt, and his family is the only family with a ‘poop knife.’
[Light] My family poops big. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife”?
I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.
Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house. My friend was the local dealer and always had ‘guests’ over, because you can’t buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.
Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.
“Wtf is a poop knife?”