Most of the time, or at least for me, having sex is a production. And, like any production, things can go wrong. The wonderful, hilarious and adventurous people on Reddit recently got real about the times they had to completely stop right in the middle.
A rat bit me.
He had a pet rat that had free run of the space at the top of his dresser. I grabbed the edge of the dresser in the middle of things, and the rat did not take the intrusion kindly and delivered a sneak attack to my fingertip. Blood fountained everywhere, and we had to take a first aid break.
I have a clapper light and the sound of balls on butt cheek turned the bedside lamp on… we promptly resumed after some hysterics.
My diabetic boyfriends blood sugar dropped. He just stopped and yelled “JUICE!!!”
We had been going at it for awhile so my legs were pretty tired. I told my boyfriend while we were switching positions that my legs made me feel like a noodle, and in his sexiest, not at all trying to be funny voice, he goes: “yeah? Well you’re a tight little noodle”. He was furious with himself for saying it after I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to continue.
My wife and I were going doggy style and I kind of swept her legs out so we were doing it with her on her stomach. She immediately yelled out “remooove the suppoooorts” a la the witch weighing scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It took us 30 minutes before we started again because we were laughing so hard.
Was in her bed for the first time. The sides of her bed frame rose up and were on the same level as the bed. Flash to love making, I’m half standing going to town, when I reposition my foot on the covers. Turns out that was actually the frame, and I slip, fall off the bed and slam my head on the wall.
I didn’t get a nut, but I did get a concussion.
Her dog kept trying to lick my butthole.
Wife was pregnant, baby kicked me in the stomach. She thought it was hilarious, me not so much.
It started to burn….really bad. Turns out my boyfriend at the time hadn’t washed his hands after we had made jalapeno poppers earlier that night. It was an inferno down there.
She was on top going cowgirl when all of the sudden she stops and looks down at me with a concerned look on her face. I immediately asked what was wrong very much concerned I had hurt her or she had hurt herself. She says “I have to fart.” So I told her to do it. It vibrated my balls. We couldn’t continue because we were laughing too much.
The farmer who’s field we were parked in showed up and we had to make a run for it.
My girlfriend loves to play with herself while we’re doing doggy style, so I’m used to feeling a hand brush my junk every once in a while during sex. This one time we were getting close to finishing when I felt a little pinch near the part where the tip meets the shaft of the cock. I pulled out and looked and her finger nail snagged the edge of my cock and I was bleeding. A lot. Mostly because I was hard. So I stopped and went to the bathroom, cleaned it up, lost my hard on and my girlfriend asked what was up, and after I showed her, she immediately started clipping and filing her nails. We laugh about it now but it was less than entertaining when it happened.
Fooling around on the couch, and take one of the legs off her pajama pants. We get going more and more into it…I pull the PJ pants off completely and throw them over my shoulder as we continue sexytime. About 15 seconds later I notice shadows are moving weirdly and glance over my shoulder to notice those PJs had landed on a candle and are now on fire. I lunge and grab them and run to the kitchen sink throw them in and turn the water on then bust out laughing…
We heard the ice cream truck outside.
In the middle of sex, I suddenly got very wet.
“Oh shit, I think my period just came.”
Check sheets, Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over them.
No sex that night.
A 2 year old right next to the bed saying “Mommy?”
Really kills the mood.
The police pulled up behind us, lights flashing. We were in high school and had a scant few places to do it, so we got it on during a rainstorm in my family’s Jeep, parked in a large field with a house in the center. Apparently, the owners of the house thought we were robbing them or casing their house and called the cops. One of the funniest lines of our relationship came from that night: “Shit, coggro, it’s the cops! Gimme my pants!” They found me in the passenger seat and her in the back – driver’s seat empty. They opened the door to check on her (mondo against the law, whatever, its fine now), and she had to tell them three times that she was fine. They let us go when we insisted we had just pulled in to watch the storm and obviously were way having some harmless, consensual, somewhat misguided sex.
I proposed to her this Spring. She said yes. ?
Foot and a half long millipede bug crawled up the wall from underneath the bed, right next to us.
I forgot that my hotpockets were in the microwave, and they took priority.
Not so much silly, but more bizarre.
My wife and I went to NYC for our 1 year wedding anniversary. We were staying at the Millennium Hotel on Church Street right across the street from the Ground Zero WTC construction project.
Anyway, we were on our way back to the hotel after a nice dinner and we saw some weirdos carrying a big American flag shouting “USA! USA!” Now, I had seen a hairy guy in fishnet stockings shouting rap lyrics on the subway about ten minutes prior, so I didn’t think much of the flag people. As we got closer to the hotel though we saw more and more people shouting and carrying flags.
We made it to our room and proceeded to get down to business. But as things were getting hot and heavy we heard a crowd outside cheering. I dunno why I stopped, but my wife and I just kinda looked at each other like “okay, wtf is going on?” I walked over to the window and saw hundreds of people surrounding the ground zero site. I flipped on the TV to see what was going on. That was the night Seal Team 6 shot Osama Bin Laden. Those hundreds of people became I swear thousands of people and it was so loud, that was really all we could focus on.
I was having a two night stand with this girl when right at the point of lust thrusting her parrot unknowingly climbed up on the bed and was next to our heads and screamed, “I just love lasagna!!”.
She said “You’re a wizard Harry.” During the start of her moan and it made us laugh.
Our cat figured out how to open our bedroom door. We had to stop because we were mid doggy-style and the cat started batting at his balls. Thankfully, without his claws.