There comes a moment in every child’s life when we learn about the birds and the bees. While we’re not fully capable of understanding where “babies come from,” our parents sit us down and try to explain that adults have sex in order for children to come into the world (they leave out the “pleasure part” because…well we’re children).
But, some children learn in different ways where babies come from – like, accidentally walking in on your brother whacking it to some porn or – accidentally walking in on your parents having sex.
Both, which, are incredibly traumatizing.
One mother (brave soul) and blogger Emma Lou Harris decided to share the horrifying moment that her daughter walked in on her and her husband having sex and the details – are hilarious.
There’s an inevitable moment in every parent’s life when your children catch a glimpse of something you’d much rather they didn’t.
Something that the retinas of any grown adult human would need a full lifetime and then some to erase from their traumatized memory boxes but your own child?
Fortnightly shrink sessions for life and replacement eyes are a must.
And I would give serious consideration to hypnosis.
I’d had two full beers that night and
Joe had emptied the dishwasher without having to be asked.
I knew right then and there it was game on. Pants . Off!
We shipped the kids to bed as quick as lightning and the very moment they slipped into a slumber, Mission slipping into other things commences for us as we hopped on straight down to sexy town.
Things were getting heated.
We were just getting to the bit of the act about half way through where you actually consider going professional and you wonder why you ain’t teaching these kinda moves on some sort of intense weekend course for beginners.
Ye know, your about 2 mins in and all of a sudden bitches be thinking they some sort of Christian and Anastasia yoga instructors.
It was getting hotter than Satan’s ball sack and I was trying to hold in the noises.
There were nails digging and hair pulling and headboards knocking and we were JUST about to be reminded whyyyyyyyyy the HELL I ever put up with this bollox leaving his crap all over the house when suddenly,
My panic sweat glands jump into emergency mode busting open like a military operation and my vagina zips itself up to my back immediately before I’ve even had a chance to turn my head.
I look up to see a moving smudge of color in a ‘my little pony’ night gown rubbing its eyes and whining.
I pray to the baby Jesus that we have a poltergeist and I also pray it’s legally blind.
My vision is blurred with both the sheer fright and with truth tears over fears of who I’ll find behind the blur of doom.
I knew the answer.
In that same split second, I hear a small girl scream. It’s Joe, it was the noise accompanied by him leaping off me higher than a kangaroo hurdler while very nearly giving himself a home circumcision from the ceiling fan in the process.
I watched him, almost in slow motion fly through the air in panic, the anaconda swerving all over the place threatening to strangle me to death in the act.
Seriously, the thing nearly slapped me in the face and blackened the eyes off me on it’s jump up there.
I sit up in a rush, my arse is still lingering up at my throat where it jumped and hid at the first “m” of “mammy”. My hair is looking like I’ve just had the misfortune of science project exploding in my face. Joe is huddled in the corner of the room under a white duvet, rocking back and forth like he’s going through an exorcism all the while muttering pleads to Jesus under his breath that this isn’t happening.
After another few blinks, my vision becomes clear and I see.
It’s Frankie, my poor poor misfortunate child.
She’s standing at the side of our bed.
For how long?
Who fucking knowsssss!!!
She’s rubbing her eyes and momentarily I consider the fact that she may actually be trying to scratch them out.
She tells me she’s lost her soother in her bed and she needs me to look for it.
She wanders into her room and says nothing.
Puts her soother in and goes back to sleep while me and Joe stay awake all night staring at the ceiling and speak not one word to each other.
I don’t know what she saw that night.
I can’t say for definite if she saw too much or if she saw anything at all.
All I know is if, in the future, My poor poor innocent child ever comes to me and tells me she remembers a very vivid dream where two large warthogs were trying to give each other a hoosh over a wall or that two friggin tapers were playing an aggressive game of twister, well,
I guess I’ll have my answer.
Myself and Joe are due to finish our Trauma Counseling sometime in the year 2045.
Seriously – can you think of anything more traumatic than your own kid walking in on your hot, sweaty sex sesh? I think not.
Kudos to this mommy for making it a hilarious and laugh-worthy story.