18 Things You’ll Relate To If You Absolutely Hate ‘Clubbing’

I’m not a club person.

Being born and raised in New York City, you’d think I’d like to spend my weekends in the Meatpacking District, bouncing from club-to-club, drinking vodka out of expensive bottles and dancing on couches that people have probably had sex on – but it’s not my thing. I’m more of a bar/pub kind of girl – the drinks are cheap and I can hear people when they’re trying to talk to me.

But, I don’t knock those who love to go clubbing because – do you boo.

1. Clubs never have any food.

If I go out drinking, chances are, I’m going to have the drunchies before the clock strikes 1 a.m. And, how is a girl supposed to eat when there’s hot, sweaty bodies all over the place and absolutely zero food in sight (on the low, I once stole the olive tray from the bar at a club because I was starving, my bad).

2. It’s always too. f*cking. loud.

If I go out with my friends, chances are I’m going to want to have a conversation with them for more than 5 seconds. But, the DJ’s at clubs are always thinking that we’re all senior citizens and can’t hear a beat drop unless it’s at maximum volume.

3. Most clubs have cover charges.

I don’t need to pay a cover charge at the door if I’m spending $5638472398 to get myself drunk at your club. Your drinks are overpriced and your decor is tacky – over it.

4. Unless you splurge for a table, you wait in a long line.

I don’t need to freeze my ass off in the NYC winter to get inside an over-crowded club. Plus, if you do want to get a table and skip the line – it’s a zillion dollars. And, if you try to get into a club with a promoter, chances are, they want to sleep with you.

5. I’m sexually harassed at least – 10 times.

The music is so loud that you can’t hear someone when they ask you to dance, so, most of the time guys think it’s perfectly acceptable to start grinding up on my backside – no questions asked. No. Thank. You.

6. You are always spilling your drink.

Clubs are always overcrowded. Always. Especially on the weekends. Not only do you pay a zillion dollars for your drinks, but, chances are – you end up spilling half of them throughout the night. Girls get sloppy when they mix alcohol and heels and they’ll probably knock into you throughout the night – and spill their drinks on you, too.

7. You have to dress up.

I don’t do heels. I’ll probably be barefoot at my own wedding (or in converse). Most clubs have dress codes that are annoying AF. If I want to rock flats or sandals and you don’t let me in, f*ck you.

8. You have to stand the entire time you’re out.

There’s literally never anywhere to sit when you’re at a club. Ever. The couches have people making out on them (or, other things), the bar is always crowded with people trying to buy more drinks and the bathrooms are covered in puke.

9. Sweat. Sweat everywhere.

Everyone is so compact into a small, tiny little room that even if it’s below zero outside – it’s the Sahara Desert in the club. People just sweat and sweat and sweat – all over you. You’ll need 4 showers when you get home.

10. DJ’s never take requests.

No, I don’t want to hear you drop your latest house mix for the entire time I am out. Sometimes, it’s nice to be able to choose the music you listen to while you’re out. But, for the most parts, DJ’s at clubs can be real d*cks about that.

11. The bathroom lines are horrendously long.

Girls take forever to use the bathroom – especially when they need to unzip, undress and untie everything. We don’t think about having to pee when we get ready – we throw on the hottest outfit we can find, even if it is a body suit that we need to get fully naked to wiz.

12. You always end up losing your friends at least twice.

The club is loud and crowded AF, so, if you look away for 3 minutes – you usually lose your friends and get stuck with dudes trying to take you home and you’re just awkward and uncomfortable.

13. Everyone’s just trying to take selfies and Snapchats all night long.

I don’t need to be exploited on social media and I low-key hate when people have to document their entire night out on social media to prove they did something fun.

14. Someone steals your sh*t.

Whether it’s a jacket from the coat check or something out of your bag, people are a**holes at the club. They end up taking your stuff and you go home with sh*t missing all of the time.

15. It’s always a ridiculously late night.

As you get older, staying out until sunrise is low-key annoying. Your friends never want to leave at the same time and clubs are always designed to make you forget what time it is outside in the real world. By the time you do leave, you basically ruined your life for the next 4 days.

16. Getting a cab or Uber takes forever.

Either half of your friends don’t want to leave, or, everyone is trying to leave at the same time – making it nearly impossible to get a cab or an Uber without spending $$$$.

17. You cry looking at your transactions the next day.

You end up drinking so much to try and keep sane that you forgot you spent $75 on buying 3 rounds of shots for your friends and just dropping your card on the bar as if you have Kardashian money.

18. You leave smelling like puke, booze and body odor.

It’s a lethal combination.