12 Reasons You Should Never Go Through Your SO’s Phone

In the age of Internet memes and tweet lists, people everywhere are perpetuating this ridiculous idea that going through your SO’s phone is totally normal. It’s as if on a Saturday morning, while your boyfriend is in the shower, it’s totally okay to grab his cell and start scrolling through his texts with friends.

Hell, Cardi B even put a song out on her new album singing about how she found things on her boyfriend’s phone. Why is it that women feel the need to perpetuate this “crazy girlfriend” narrative?

If I’m being completely honest–going through your boyfriend’s phone is toxic, unhealthy, and down-right wrong. And, there’s a lot of reasons why you shouldn’t.

12. It’s an invasion of privacy

Going through your partner’s phone without permission is just as bad as lying to their face. The minute you go behind their back to do something, it’s wrong, toxic, and unhealthy. Your boyfriend is entitled to have conversations with his friends and family without your nose in it. Going through them shows that you don’t respect basic boundaries and human behavior. Get a reality check, girl.

11. You’re only going to make yourself angry.

Going through your partner’s phone means that there’s a reason you’re doing it. You’re not going to go through their texts for no reason. You’re obviously looking for something. Most of the time, however, you’re going to find something that’s not what you were originally looking for–and, it’s going to piss you off. You’re going to want to keep looking deeper, and deeper–going through all of their sh*t.

It’s setting yourself up for a bad headspace.

10. Plus, you can’t say anything about it.

If you do find something you’re not happy with, you can’t run up on your SO and tell them off. In fact, if you do, you’re an idiot. No matter what you find (unless, of course, it’s an affair) it’s not going to be as bad as you going through and snooping through their sh*t. Maybe they said something to their friend you didn’t like–but, you going through their personal things is always going to take a front row seat in that argument.

9. You have absolutely no context for what is said.

Most of the time, you’ll see texts and have no idea what they mean, who they’re from, or what people are talking about. Again, you can’t run up on your SO and ask for explanations. You’re only going to have theories buzzing around your head and make yourself even more uncomfortable than before.

8. You forget that you’re guilty, too.

When you see your SO make a comment about you to a friend, or brush off something their friend says about you, or even rate how hot a model/celeb is–you get angry. When they tell their friend that you’re being high strung during an argument–you get angry. But, when you get angry, you forget what your phone looks like when you’re fighting with your SO.

You mouth off to the group chat calling your man limp d*ck in .35 seconds when something goes wrong. You call your girlfriend a b*tch when you fight. Don’t be a hypocrite and act as though you’re a saint when things go south. We all know that we’re just as guilty when it comes to sh*t talking.

7. It proves you don’t trust them.

When you feel the need to go through their phone and read their conversations, it’s because subconsciously you lack trust in them. You’re looking for something to prove your gut feeling that they’re doing something wrong. It doesn’t necessarily have to be cheating or texting another potential person–maybe you think they’re lying about their plans–but either way, you don’t trust them at all.

You’re looking for missing pieces to the puzzle when you have no pieces missing.

6. It also proves you don’t trust yourself.

Going through their phone means that deep down, you don’t trust yourself, too. Psychotherapist and neuromarketing strategist Michele Paiva says:

People will say that it is the other person that they do not trust, but in snooping, we are actually feeling like we are not enough.

We deserve to be with people that we trust, and we deserve to — if we have intrinsic issues — get therapeutic help to learn to love ourselves more,” Paiva says. And work on trusting yourself, while you’re at it. “If we don’t trust ourselves, we will not trust others.

If we look at everyone else as if they are a villain, we create ourselves to be a victim; a victim is someone who doesn’t trust safety in their world, and that is a self-love and self-trust issue.

5. You’re bound to slip.

You’re going to read things that your partner probably didn’t tell you about or mention–like, a trip they’re planning with their friends but hasn’t gotten around to booking. Or, maybe some restaurant they want to try near your apartment. Either way, they may want to talk about something with you and you may slip that you already knew. How though, if they didn’t bring it up just yet?

You’re bound to get yourself into a sticky situation there, sis.

4. If your partner finds out, they’ll never trust you.

The minute your SO finds out you went through their phone, they will feel violated. In the end, they will know you don’t trust them, and they won’t trust you to be left alone with their things. They’re going to have the underlying feeling that you’re listening in on all of their conversations and texts–which isn’t healthy or okay. Eventually, they will feel suffocated.

They will also feel betrayed. How do you think it makes your SO feel that you have no faith in them?

3. You’re proving that you have zero faith in your relationship, too.

You’re literally looking for ways out, or reasons to be unhappy, rather than enjoying your relationship with your SO. If you’re looking to stir the pot, it’s because you don’t believe that the relationship is healthy or going to last. Whatever the reason may be, you going through your partner’s phone further pushes you apart–which, subconsciously, you may be trying to do.

Sometimes, when we’re unhappy, we “self-sabotage” things, instead of facing them head-on. Deep down, you could be looking for a way out, but just don’t have the guts to end things.

2. Snooping becomes addicting.

The first time you snoop, you feel exhilarated. 9 times out of 10, you didn’t exactly “find” what you were looking for. So, you go back for more. And, you don’t stop with their phone, either. Snooping, according to experts, is a gateway behavior to more intrusive and toxic activities. Relationship expert April Masini says:

Snooping is the gateway behavior to stalking. First you’re snooping on [their] cell phone. Then, [their] computer, Next, you’re doing drive-bys on the sly.

1. A lot of times, this situation leads to breakups.

Many times when a relationship lacks trust, it can no longer sustain itself. Going through your SO’s phone proves, inevitably, that you have no trust or faith in the relationship. Therefore, why are you two going to stay together? Once the trust goes out the window, it leads to fights on a regular basis. Your partner will be walking on eggshells with you, wondering when the next time you are going to try snooping is. Hell, they may even try and plant traps to get you caught.

Either way, this situation is likely to blow up in your face and get you burned.

Instead of snooping, try this:

If you feel as though something is going down that you’re unhappy with–try communicating. The moment you feel as though something is wrong, speaking up will solve all of your worries and it will ensure that you’re not betraying someone’s trust.

If you think that your partner is hiding something, try approaching it from a calm, respectful, and productive place in order to work on your relationship. If things don’t work out, at least in the end you know that you took the healthy route, instead of being a rat.

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Written by Lex Gabrielle

A writer and teacher from New York City who fully supports messy buns and 3+ cups of coffee a day.