I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 14, 2011
My kid’s new thing is to have me lay down, cover me in pillows, turn off the light and leave the room. I call this game “my favorite.”
— dadpression (@Dadpression) February 6, 2018
One of my daughters is currently upset because she can’t find her favorite stuffed animal’s favorite stuffed animal. #thatdadlife
— Steven L. Jones (@steven__jones) August 3, 2015
I remember when I used to have nice things…
Then two kids happened…
And now there is an abnormally large booger on the iPad. #dadlife
— Fabricator General (@TheFGeneral) February 26, 2018
Some day I’ll wear matching socks again. Today is not that day. #dadlife
— Philipp Weiser (@weiphi) February 22, 2018
I cut the crust off my daughter’s PB&J and I swear to god I heard her whisper that I’m her bitch now.
— The Dad (@thedad) December 29, 2015
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 11, 2015
And for my next magic trick I’ll turn my children into starving, dehydrated philosophers who need to pee a lot, by simply using two magical words, “It’s bedtime.”
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) January 25, 2018
Two-year-old son [playing with Lego]: Ooh.
Me: What are you making?
Son: BIG SHIIIIIIIIIT!
Me: Uh … what?
Son: BIIIG SHIT. It has engines! [makes airplane noise]
Me: Oh … JET! YOU MADE A JET! A BIG JET!#dadlife
— Riley Breckenridge (@rileybreck) March 13, 2018
There is a small but very real possibility that my cause of death will be: Tripped over miniature train.
I’ll die as I lived.#parenting #dadlife
— Jack’s Dad (@DaddingAround) February 26, 2018
If Alexa really is spying on me, I just hope she doesn’t tell my wife how much tv I let my toddlers watch when she’s not here.#DadLife #parenting
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) March 14, 2018