7.
I made a girl fat… and not by marrying her. In 2003, my office got a new secretary and a new manager. The secretary, a thin blonde, was a vile she-devil, she wouldn’t do anything the staff asked (find info, set up calls, get coffee for anyone who wasn’t herself) and the manager wouldn’t do anything about it. We joked that her job title was “Internet Quality Control” because she more-or-less sent personal email and played on myspace all day, to which when she overheard, literally went to the manager in tears.
Then one day I got a rather large jar of candy as a gift and she just about single-handedly consumed half of it, which pissed me off good. Then later that week, I brought in a dozen donuts and she ate half of them on her own. Upon putting the facts together, our web designer, editor and I decided to fuel the fire in something we called “Operation: Butter-Up”, where we each in turn brought in a large bag of candy to full up my jar as fast as she could empty it.
In the course of three months, she put on 20 pounds. In a years time, she unrecognizable and along with being a crank, she was an idiot and couldn’t figure out how. Several times a week we provided her sweets and snacks of every kinds until her boyfriend dumped her, which was about eight months into the project, and she had to get a new wardrobe.
We lucked out because she was rather stupid, but we had more diabolical measures lined up if she stopped eating the candy, along the lines of mixing in weight-gainer to the non-dairy creamer she was using and things of that nature.
That was 2003 and she’s still big to this day, saw her on Facebook and smiled at our handiwork. Still single to this day, and I would like to think that we had something to do with it.
8.
I have two but here is my dad’s.
We lived just across from a pool complex in a little street when I was little and we constantly had the issue of people parking across our driveway, this annoyed my dad, but he was friends with the pool owner and would just get him to announce over the megaphone to move the car and they would apologise and do so 99% of the time. Once we had this one car that would park IN our driveway IN our garage. The first time this happened my dad was just dumbstruck that someone had the nerve to do this. So he did his usual thing to get them to move, and this 30s woman comes up in a huff all annoyed that we broke her swimming routine. She moves her car and goes back. However the next day it happens again, so he just parks her in and goes in gets changed and goes to relax by the pool. After an hour the owner comes along and says that the woman is complaining that she is parked in and wants to leave, my dad responds, “She parks in my garage, she can leave when I feel like moving my car.” She then storms over and demands that he move it because she has an appointment yaddayaddayadda. My dad relaxes for an hour before finally moving it. He hopes that has taught her a lesson. But lo and behold she does it the next day again. So he uses the old coat hanger trick to open the door and takes her passenger seat out, and puts around the next corner. He then locks it up and parks her in, sure enough she comes around and demands to be let out, he does so without a word and lets her drive out. As she leaves she goes to put her bag on the passenger seat and notices it missing. She does a double take and then stares at my dad in alarm, he just stares her down slowly, then points to the corner where the seat is. She is obviously startled and drives off. We never saw her again.
TLDR Don’t fuck with my dad’s driveway.
9.
My family used to live across the road from a school. I didn’t go to said school as despite it’s large complex, the grades produced had never been that good (barely any A’s, few B’s and mostly C’s and below).
Often in the morning parents would drop their kids off in front of the house, preventing us from getting out of the drive and on occasion almost crashing as we pulled out. The kids were worse, they would constantly litter and drop cigarette butts onto the street which would blow into our and some neighbours driveways.
My dad often complained to this school’s headmaster to educate the pupils on littering or at least put some more bins around the site. This request was ignored despite complaints from neighbours as well.
He (my dad) decided enough was enough and began to collect up this litter and put it into a separate bin, he also did this for other houses on the street. These eventually got full and the littering continued and my dad pretty much lost it.
He got together a team of the neighbours one night and broke into the school. Bearing in mind that these are all men between 40 and 65. They proceed to empty around 12 bins worth of rubbish and litter around the school site whilst my dad uses spray paint to write “How do YOU like it?”.
This was a sunday so all the kids coming to school for a new week saw it. My dad or the neighbours never got caught by the police because of lack of evidence and no witnesses. The school proceeded to put bins pretty much everywhere and the neighbourhood looked considerably better.
TL;DR My dad and the old neighbours take on litterers, and shows them who’s boss.
10.
I work as a security guard at a retirement home in a shifty part of town. Not much happens as a result of me being here and being on top of who is in our parking lots. One day, months ago as the hype of a new update to pokemon go was at its peak I start seeing unfamiliar cars parking in our parking lot, due to the fact that our property has a gym and a pokestop on it.
I go to each car and more times then not I see a phone in their hand. I tell each one they can finish up but please do not come back as they are trespassing. Most nicely agree, some leave immediately in a huff, and two question “why not”. Our subject was one of the two.
He looked the part of a typical fuckboi and drove what looks like a blue Hyundai i10. He argued why not and i calmly explained because this is private property and i dont want to explain to my boss why I’m allowing some guy to trespass on the property just to play some phone app.
He leaves in a huff. I see him the next day and the next. Now I had played pokemon go for about two months when it first came out and had about a level 14 profile. And I figured that i’d just start kicking him off the gym as soon as he takes it over. That didn’t quite work he was a level 32 and his pokemon wrecked mine.
So I start to do some research and I looked into how to get stronger pokemon. I read about IVs and I also read about geo spoofing. So that’s what I did. I send my account to the busiest pokemon go locations and acquired items and strong pokemon over the course of 2 months.
Now comes the day of reckoning. I’ve seen this blue Hyundai’d bastard every night for two months drive into our parking lot and with each warning he would just come back again. So now after two months of casually hunting and training the day has come.
With an account now at level 29 and a superpowered SS, S, and A ranking squad it’s time to kick him off as soon as he takes over the gym, and that’s what I did. He started showing up less, and one of the days he would take over the gym, leave to take another gym down the street, and come back to try and retake the gym i took. After that day I started to geo spoof to every gym he would take just to kick him off. I wouldn’t even occupy the gyms that if kick him off only the one at my work.
After about a month of him showing up less and less I think he has finally giving up on the game. I havn’t seen him at my work or at any gym locations in our city in over 2 weeks. I think I’ve ruined the game for him.
11. That’s assault, brotha!
When I was twelve I used to ride this private school us home. It was the same as a regular one, but it went to my house which was about half an hour away from the school. Hence we could often fight on this bus with no real consequences. Being one of the last people in I had to sit on the folding aisle seat. I was Minding my own business when J my mortal enemy came up behind me. After mocking and hitting me from behind for several minutes he grew bored he lowered his guard. Turning around, still standing next to me, to talk to someone. I felt something jab my leg, and pulled out the offender, ’twas a pencil sharpened to perfection. Taking this as a sign from the heavens I wielded said pencil, turned in my seat, and speared J’s rear with all the might I could muster. Unfortunately I missed his buttock, and instead drove the pencil deep into lands where it had no business being.hearing his girlish yelp I withdrew my pencil and fled to the front to the seat next to the driver, to safety. And laughed maniacally.
12. Think about the children!
I had a girl cheat on me once and come to find out the guy it was with was my sisters boyfriend who had knocked up my sister already. Then, after that she proceeded to fuck everyone I “thought” I was friends with for the next month or two. No joke she fucked 12 guys in 4 weeks. I was devastated. But, you want to know what my revenge was? Nothing. I never did anything except live my life and meet, who is now my wife, and start a wonderful life and family. then years later, I met her degenerate ex-husband and one of her illegitimate children from a different dude while she was in jail for cutting off a court ordered tether and trying to flee the state. I chatted with the husband long enough to realize she hadn’t changed a bit, she had fucked everyone he knew too and left him high and dry to take care of her kid (the one who actually had met her a few times). I had so much satisfaction out of that meeting that I feel I got my revenge. I get to live this awesome life happy as ever and she has to live a meager existence in prison knowing her life is an utter failure all because of the bullshit she puts out into the world. It all came back to her. and I got to witness the end result which was epic failure at its finest.
13.
My dad was never around, left before I was born. Was an asshole when I visited him for the first time, it was a month in the summer and he was trying to “man me up” I was 10 at the time. So I am older, he leaves a voice-mail (drunken) Saying he was sorry, he wished he could change things, he wished he could see me grow up his voice starts to crack near the end. I call him back a day later and say “Its too late, try talking to me when you’ve cleaned yourself up. I might be there.” Then hung up. Felt fucking good…. It also must have hit home because he got himself into AA and finally started making real progress in cleaning up his life. Also, some real life karma here, I did indeed “man up” after puberty and I think that scares him haha
14.
I walked into my house and saw one of my old friends coming down the stairs from my bedroom with my wife. Luckily they didn’t notice me, so I called him up later and said we should go hang out or something. We just kind of dicked around for a bit. Shot the shit and all of that.
Then I brought him to this one spot I like to go to on a bridge over a river and beat him to death with my bare hands. I took all his clothes off, took all of his stuff, and then threw his body over the side.
Then I went back home, dropped his hunting bow at my wife’s feet and said “Faendal’s dead, bitch”.
15. He isn’t lying.
I got let go from my job in January because of stupid high school drama with a coworker. Whatever. When my boss was letting me go, she told me that she didn’t think I belonged in the field that I was in, and would probably do better as a receptionist. Ouch.
I know she was saying that because the bitchy woman that I worked with slammed me at every possible chance, and threw me under the bus. I didn’t do the same… thought I would act professionally, so there was a whole lot of shit that went down that my boss never got wind of.
The bitchy coworker was someone that could talkandtalkandtalk her way in circles until she’s completely convinced you of something, or you get sick of listening to her and let her have her way. I’m more of a straight-shooter. Plus, I was still an apprentice, and the coworker was a non-licensed, so she had (a little bit of) seniority.
Anyway… so she said that. It stung. I had a big licensing test coming up. It would change my status from apprentice to licensed. I hardcore studied. (While the ex-boss was paying my unemployment)
I took the test, was the first one finished, didn’t double guess any of my answers, and passed with flying colors. It was grand.
Just knowing that I proved them wrong felt good. If Massachusetts thinks that I am good enough to become an optician, and I’ve passed 2 national exams, then I’m gonna go ahead and say fuck you. I sent a card to two of the opticians (of three) that work at the office, thanking them for contributing to my success (because they really did, and we were tight and they loved me and thought I was an awesome optician). Totally left bitchy coworker out of the card and she knew it.
Sometimes the best revenge is just doing well.
16. Well, that is actually illegal.
When I was 16 I lived in another country than I live in now. I was in a long term relationship. When I was about to move I told her and she begged me not to break up with her. I said okay and we tried a long distance relationship. About 2 weeks into me gone and us skyping every day for hours a friend of mine told me she already has a fuck buddy. I was just not able to comprehend that so I got drunk. The next morning I talked to her and she said its true and said the guy is so much better than me. I hang up the skype call, pull out the sexy pics I had of her and you know what I did? Straight to her dads email.
17.
Long, kind of. My friend and I went dumpster diving at our high school, looking for paper to print some poster on or something, can’t remember exactly what we were looking for. Anyway, we found a bunch of sensitive documents, including about 200 photocopies of student licenses (you had to pay 300 dollars a year to park at our school and it required a valid license to get the parking pass. Fucking bullshit) but more importantly we found a receipt for batteries from the drama department. The receipt included the credit card number, expiration date, everything. We decided we need to order something, obviously. We decide it needs to be good since the drama teacher was a dick (and super religious) the a lot of the kids involved in the drama program were uptight and arrogant for some reason. We weren’t at all involved with the drama program but everyone involved just sort of pissed us off. Anyway, we are thinking about what to order and I just randomly blurt out “Jesus buttplug”. Turns out it is a real thing, only we got the baby Jesus model. We order it. Its his school credit card so it comes to the school and he opens it in the box office where him and all his drama minions hang out between class. He sent them out into the general population as spies and was determined to find out who did it. Never did. Also, he wasn’t really that big of a dick, but when you are seventeen any sort of slight against the school or adults or whatever else you consider “the establishment” is revenge of the highest order, even if it’s not that well targeted. Also, one time he yelled at me for smoking a cigarette on school property. Fascist.
18. Revenge doesn’t always go as planned.
My brother used to jump out from behind a certain corner in my house and scare me. One day I decided to get him back by hiding behind the corner when I heard him coming.
It backfired.
He heard me get up and also thought I was coming his way and so he hid on the other side of the corner. Eventually, one of us moved and we both jumped out at the same time. Unfortunately, my face was at thumbnail level and he ended up stabbing me so hard, I had a crescent shaped scar under my cheek for years.
19. Pretty hardcore.
So this happened a couple weeks ago, but I saw the result of it earlier today.
A bit of backstory: I live in a predominantly Mormon area and I am not mormon. I receive quite a bit of criticism from my across the street neighbor because of the religious difference (I’m assuming, we’ve never interacted before he’s started fucking with me.) He currently has ten children. About a month ago, on trash day, he told one of his kids to kick my trash can over into the street. The kid did it, and I witnessed everything. This is not the first time he has kicked my trash over, and I figured it was a lost cause to go over there and ask them for some decency more than I already have.
That same day, I was reminded by a friend about how I used to have a pen pal when I was younger before I moved. Later that night, I was browsing the web looking for a pen pal when I stumbled across a cool sounding site: prisonpelpals.com. I visited the site and, after clicking through a few dodgy links, was brought to an array of different prisoners who were looking for a pen pal. After doing a bit of browsing from there, I stumbled across a fellow who was on death row for 1st degree murder. Feeling bad for this guy, but not wanting to give my address out (you send an email, the guards print it out and give it to the prisoner, who then write you a letter and delivers it to your physical address), I remembered the asshole across the street. More out of curiosity than malice, I proceeded to write a very detailed letter about how I am a trapped, secretly gay Mormon man with ten kids who is looking to start an extramarital affair with a prisoner. I put in his address and SEND! I had my hilarious, petty satisfaction.
I expected nothing to come out of this. I though he would be going through his mail, see the letter, not open it, toss it and think nothing of it after that. But boy, was I wrong.
Of course, with it being a small town, this guy does run a small business here where one of my acquaintances works. I went in just earlier today and chatted with my acquaintance before he told me “Oh my god, did you hear about (neighbor)?” I said no because I hadn’t and he filled me in on all of the details.
Apparently one of the neighbor’s kids had brought in the mail, only for HIS WIFE to find it and read the letter from this prisoner responding to the joke letter that I wrote. I don’t know the specifics of the letter, but I do know that his wife threw a fucking FIT when he arrived home and made him pack his bags. My acquaintance informed me that this was not the first time Neighbor had started or tried to start an affair with another man, and apparently this was the last straw for her. I am still shocked, horrified, and extremely amused by this predicament.
TL;DR: I sent a prisoner looking for a pen pal a letter under my neighbor’s first name and address. When the letter came back, his wife found it and accused him of cheating on her with a man, as he had apparently done before, and kicked him out.
EDIT: Grammar, clarity. Apparently this post is going down and back up randomly? I posted the same thing toin post history and several people have screenshotted the story, so it’s relatively easy to find if it appears to be down.
EDIT 2: I’ve seen some comments saying this guy didn’t deserve it just by kicking over a trash can, so here are some more details. I’m the guardian of my younger sister. I got her a cat about a year ago and the neighbor told me that the cat is not allowed on “his” side of the road. Okay, whatever. A couple days later the guy called animal control (???) on the cat because it was wandering on the sidewalk in front of his house. They said they couldn’t do anything since it wasn’t on his property. So neighbor takes the cat and drops it off at the animal shelter, pretending it’s his, and tells them to put it down. They refuse without the papers and she’s chipped. It’s a whole situation. On the day they moved in, my little sister made them brownies and took them over, knocked on the door and waited. They didn’t answer. So little sister wanders back across the road, and, when she gets to our front porch, looks back to watch the father look her dead in the eyes as he’s throwing the treats, plate and all, into the garbage. Other petty bullshit acts besides these,etc.
20. Boom! Roasted.
This one time, someone made a snarky remark about a comment I made on reddit, so I downvoted that motherfucker.