Some Rich A-Holes Are Putting Anti-Bird Spikes On Trees To Keep Poo Off Their Fancy Cars

The 1% sure have some audacity. First they hoarded control of 40% of The Common Man’s resources (the highest in history!), then they slashed corporate taxes for themselves, and now they’re stealing homes from birds. Ok, that last one is taking place in the U.K. and not the U.S., but it’s only a matter of time until Trump catches on and decides birds are NO GOOD and not nearly as important as keeping cars germ-free.

“Some rich folks residing in an elite part of Bristol, England installed super ugly anti-bird spikes on neighborhood trees because birds were pooping on their expensive vehicles. “The spikes are solely to protect the cars, there is no other reason,” an anonymous source told the Bristol Post. “There is a big problem with bird droppings around here. They can really make a mess of cars, and for some reason they [the birds] do seem to congregate around this area.”

The neighborhood had purportedly attempted other means of repelling the birds — “a wooden bird of prey in the branches”— to no avail. Defenders of this move say that there are other trees in the area the birds can go perch on.

Critics say that anti-bird spikes already exist to deter birds from landing on building ledges, windowsills and gutters— we’re really going to hijack their domain and install them on trees as well? Needless to say, people were not happy.

“I’m aware that the landowner might be legally within their rights to do this to the trees as they seem to be on private land,” said Green Party politician Paula O’Rourke to the Bristol Post. “Whether allowed or not though, it looks awful and it’s a shame to see trees being literally made uninhabitable to birds ― presumably for the sake of car parking.”

What’s next? Stealing giant marine mammals and abusing them for profit? Legalizing big game hunting? Spikes to keep humans off surfaces?! Oh, wait…