You need to stop.
Sure, you’re “just celebrating”, and you say you’re having fun and I’m sure you can convince your new “supportive” friends of it, but you can’t fool me.
You’re blowing off plans and passing out on couches, getting drunk all the time and blowing off the education of your f*cking dreams. And this weekend… Holy sh*t. Maybe you actually think it’s funny to end up in the hospital again, as you’re pretending. But I know you, and I don’t think you do. I think you’re absolutely miserable, and all the pain and anxiety is starting to get through your carefully cured facade of callousness and laughs. I can see your desperation, and I think every drink you take is so you won’t have to face it yourself.
Maybe you’re not aware of it, maybe you are in denial, but I don’t think you’re that unaware. And most of all – I’m not.
You are crashing hard and fast. Again. Don’t forget that I was there the last time. I know this version of you, I fear it, I hoped it never would come back. But it’s still you, and so I love it as I do you.
You know you became an actual legend back home right? The way you turned your life around is probably one in a million, and it just added to my already huge admiration of you. You haven’t lost the things you worked for yet, but if you go on like this, you will.
Stop. Before you’re too far gone. I will help if you need it, but you need to face it first. You need to admit it, and you need to f*cking want to deal with it. Please just open your eyes. I know you can turn this around, you’ve done it before. You’re the strongest person I know, you’re brave and wise and always in control, and I know that’s why it’s so hard for you to admit it. It’s hard for you to admit when you need help. When you feel weak, when you take a wrong turn, when you lose the control you cherish so much. But it’s okay to fail, and it’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to need help. And I will be here, to help you, to be your strength while you find yours. The only thing you have to do is have the courage to admit you need it.
I’m sorry if I seem angry with you. I am, a little, but I’m mostly just scared. We came so close to losing you last time, and that old anxiety is now joined by the new one. I don’t want to lose you.
Please just stop.
waasshp
There’s a reminder of you in everything I do
I was hoping I’d be over this by now but I just can’t shake my thoughts of you. Every day I seem to discover a little reminder of you – whether it be someone mentioning the place you moved to, or me stumbling upon notes we left each other (it makes me smile how you couldn’t bring yourself to put them in the bin).
I could have handled things better. You tried to reach out to me after you left, but my walls were up, as hard as concrete. Did my behavior hurt you too much? Is that why you can’t text me a simple “hello”, despite me telling you not to be a stranger?
I miss our easy friendship, and what came after (as messy as it ended up being). I miss your little quiet gestures of affection; the myriad of coffees and the way you used to tuck my hair behind my ears. I miss the outlandish comments you used to make, just to provoke a reaction. I keep thinking of that day you came running upstairs just to say good morning properly—you’ve probably forgotten by now, but that hug and kiss will stay with me forever.
I just hope you’re doing ok.
upontherack
I think you’re amazing
Hey,
I was really surprised when you said yes to coming over. It was weird, but nice, but hard, but so good. After three months of not talking to me, it was so easy to fall back into the familiar, but I’m not sure what’s ok and what isn’t anymore.
I just have to tell you that you are who I want to be with. I choose you. I think you are amazing, and smart, and strong, and funny, and so goddamn attractive. I really look up to you. I admire you. I love how much you love reading. And your nerdiness is just so adorable.
But I can’t read you. I don’t know if you are just putting up with me, we are friends, or maybe we can try again to be more than friends. I wish you would give me a sign. Because I want you, and no one else.
Mandiferous
