The term “monogamish” was coined by sex columnist and host of the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage. He’s been doling out sex and relationship advice since 1991 and has been monogamishly married to his husband Terry Miller since 2005. The term describes a relationship in which a couple is wholly committed to each other spiritually, emotionally, and socially, but have the freedom to have sex with other people— as long as there are agreed upon ground rules.
Savage believes that monogamish relationships are not exclusive to homosexual couples. More and more straight people worldwide are enjoying the benefits of this arrangement.
Today, it is often said how millennials are hitting life ‘landmarks’ later in life— buying a home, getting married, having children, etc. Rather than subscribe to a timeline created and enforced by outdated societal norms, current and future generations are placing a far greater emphasis on the self. We are spending far more time and money on experiences than on tangible assets. While critics label this as lazy, egotistical, narcissistic, and entitled, I’m of the belief that we are on a constant quest of self-discovery, self-improvement, and ultimately— happiness. It might be narcissistic, but so what?
The monogamish relationship fits in nicely with this notion of living life by your own rules. It provides the emotional and practical stability associated with monogamy but also stresses the importance of sexual satisfaction.
“I acknowledge the advantages of monogamy,” Savage told New York Times reporter Mark Oppenheimer in 2011, “when it comes to sexual safety, infections, emotional safety, paternity assurances. But people in monogamous relationships have to be willing to meet me a quarter of the way and acknowledge the drawbacks of monogamy around boredom, despair, lack of variety, sexual death and being taken for granted.”
And that, really, is what it comes down to, isn’t it? It is not only unfair to expect complete fulfillment in all ways from one single human being for as long as you both shall live— It’s impractical and borderline irrational. This isn’t to say monogamy is wrong for all couples, or even for most couples. As long as both parties in a relationship are emotionally, spiritually, and sexually nourished, there is no problem.
The problem arrives with infidelity. How many marriages end in divorce as a result of a sneaky affair? How many families broken and lives ruined? Ultimately, a monogamish relationship may prove to be a means of placing higher value on the other, hopefully more plentiful and important facets of a relationship rather than the small puzzle piece of sexual exclusivity. A monogamish relationship could strengthen or even save an otherwise doomed couple.
As mentioned by the NYT, a 2001 article in The Journal of Family Psychology conservatively estimates that “between 20 and 25 percent of all Americans will have sex with someone other than their spouse while they are married.” Again, this is a conservative estimate. If a relationship is healthy and valuable in many other ways, might it not be easier to talk about monogamishness rather than exploding a relationship on account of (non-emotionally invested) infidelity?
Of course this could only be the case if the communication lines are fully open and boundaries are made clear by both parties. A monogamish relationship is not free reign to cheat on your partner, sexually or emotionally. Some monogamish couples only allow one night stands. Others give a once-a-year cheat day. Others still enact a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Just as with anything else in this world, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Again— the trick is to outline clear rules in order ensure the needs of both parties are being met.
For many, a monogamish relationship allows an individual full expression and satisfaction without having to lie or cheat, all while remaining in a loving, long-term relationship. In other words, maybe you can have your cake and eat it too. Is that such a bad thing to want?