Since I don’t want to be in hell by myself, I figure forcing a bunch of random strangers on the Internet to commit blasphemy would be a good way to make sure I have some company as I roast in a lake of fire for all eternity.
1.
Big deal Jesus, so your dad sent you here to suffer & die, that's what all the rest of us are doing too
— Political Science PhD (@InternetHippo) September 21, 2015
2.
https://twitter.com/SAlNTKARDASHIAN/status/732793252039036928
3.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don't tell you how to do your job.— Gerry McDied 20 Years Ago, On A Night Like This (@GerryMcBride) March 21, 2016
4.
Anyone who asks, "Why does God let bad things happen to people" has clearly never purposefully drowned one of their Sims in a pool
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 28, 2015
5.
https://twitter.com/lawblob/status/480688646618497024
6.
I love this bible verse, it always helps me in times of need pic.twitter.com/hQFYHShYNo
— griffin (@GRlFFERS) January 29, 2016
7.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015
8.
https://twitter.com/ElleOhHell/status/461880414441709568
9.
https://twitter.com/hosterthepeople/status/697614733386469377
10.
god: u gotta build a boat
noah: can't u build ur own boat.. i mean, ur god
god: [nervously] no i can i just wanna see if u know how— chuuch (@ch000ch) May 31, 2015
11.
jesus: what do people call the day i was crucified
me: good friday. we call it "good friday"
jesus: what the fuck— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 3, 2015
12.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
— Miss Leah 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 (@LeahsLounge) September 23, 2014
13.
https://twitter.com/thenatewolf/status/658541632623476736
14.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: "they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there"
god: [rubbing his neck] "see the thing is"— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) January 15, 2015
15.
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2015
16.
https://twitter.com/morninggloria/status/697518211441541120
17.
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/562776613390405633
18.
https://twitter.com/AnUglyNigga/status/382292214749364224
19.
Noah: Two? Why two of every animal?
[God whispers in Noah's ear]
Noah: nice lol— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) March 30, 2015
20.
https://twitter.com/therealeatwood/status/615659444282724353
21.
And God said unto Abraham, "j/k u don't have to sacrifice ur son but im seriously flattered u can kill this sheep instead and make me Uggs."
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) May 1, 2014
22.
And on the seventh day God look on that which he had created and he said unto it: "Fuck it, send."
— maura quint (@behindyourback) October 31, 2015
23.
https://twitter.com/FilthyRichmond/status/668081638971174912
24.
God: Babies will come out your vag.
Eve: …
God: You’ll feed them with your boobs.
Eve: …
God: …
Eve: Dude. All I did was eat an apple.— shauna (@goldengateblond) November 23, 2015
25.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. And then a couple of tabs so he can toggle between various genres of porn.
— stephanie mcmaster (@Smethanie) May 29, 2015
26.
God said to Noah "Build me an ark", then He slipped and His big papier-mâché head fell off, and Noah saw He was Dave, who wanted a free boat
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) September 20, 2015
27.
https://twitter.com/pakalupapito/status/572064755348873216
28.
Me: "Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?"
Jesus: "Yes."
Me: "Oh, it's you. Sorry, Jesus."
Jesus: "I forgive you."— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) May 15, 2012
29.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I'm jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 11, 2015
30.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don't know
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 15, 2015
31.
"Jesus, what about where there only one set of footprints?" "Oh, for– Yeah, man. I left you. You're a needy whiner who can't let shit go."
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) April 7, 2013
32.
"Welcome to McDonald's, what'll it be?"
Jesus whispering "5000 Filet-o-fish, and hurry"
"5000 FILETS DAN"
J "Shh, keep yr fuckin voice down"— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 29, 2015
33.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 4, 2013
This article first appeared on someecards.