‘You’re Still In The Honeymoon Phase’ And Other Dating Advice That’ll Make You Say ‘F**k YOU’

I’m a pretty tolerant person, so I generally manage to find the stupid things other people say to be excusable — for the most part, at least. However, there are some things I’m sick of hearing, and I know I can’t be the only one.

1. “You’re still in the honeymoon phase.”

This may be a touch of personal bias because my boyfriend and I hear it all the time. We’ve lived together for a year and a half — do you really think it’s still just a phase that we’re happy together? I’m sorry that we don’t hate each other. We’ll put on a show for you next time so that way you can consider us on your relationship level. After all, everyone knows that if you don’t hate your partner 24/7 then you’re clearly not in a real relationship, right?

2. “Give it some time.”

Don’t project your pretentious expectations and failures of your own life onto me. Unless you’re trying to console someone about how shitty it is not hearing back from prospective employers or not being as far in their career as they’d like to be, this phrase is entirely unnecessary.

3. “I don’t miss being in a relationship.”

Are you implying that whatever I’m going through in my relationship even remotely resembles your failed relationship(s) or are you implying that I would also be happier if I was on my own? Either way, keep it to yourself. Your failed relationship has absolutely nothing to do with whatever it is someone else is going through in theirs and it’s egotistical to think that it would. Unless, of course, they’re dating your ex, then maybe… but it’s still a long shot.

4. “I wish I was single.”

Great! Go be single then! Stringing someone along for the sake of a security blanket is an awful thing to do to another human being. Just go and roll solo if that’s what you want — it’s your damn life!

5. “I love being single.”

It’s interesting how nine times out of 10, this phrase is only used when someone’s complaining about their relationship. If you’re one of those people who uses this line at appropriate times, then great! If not, see point number three, it should cover the job for me.

6. “I wish you were single too….”

Why, so we can go out trolling the bars together like some weird sort of tandem sex hunting party? All set, thanks. Just because you weren’t happy in your relationship doesn’t mean that I need to be unhappy in mine too. Oh, you were just saying that you “wish it was like old times”? So… miserable, drunk, and lonely? Thanks for that. Comforting.

7. “I think he’s going to propose to me because…”

I don’t care what your reasoning for saying this is. Don’t even try to justify it. It’s annoying as fuck because a) If he was going to propose to you, you just ruined it; b) Do you really think that’s what’s happening or are you just hoping?; c) If you’re with someone long enough, in our culture, they’ll probably eventually propose to you; d) Every time I’ve heard this, the couple broke up after. Every. Single. Time. Tell me when it happens, please. Don’t tell me when you think it’s going to happen. No one cares.

8. “Well, he/she did this…”

You’re playing tit-for-tat, airing your dirty laundry and being childish about your justifications for your own actions. What are you going to do next, tell his mommy on him? By all means, justify the messed up thing you did while you were arguing if you feel like you need to, but don’t blame someone else for your actions like you weren’t in control of them. Clearly, if you need to point out what someone else did to you to justify your own actions, you know you’re in the wrong. Stop being a child about it and just own up to it.

9. “I’ve never cheated.”

That’s cool, but what do you want, an award? The fact that you think not cheating on someone and betraying their trust is something that’s commendable is absolutely deplorable in every sense of the word. I honestly have more respect for people who admit to their infidelities than I do towards the ones who flaunt their lack thereof.

10. “Good luck.”

Why is luck needed at all? In my experience, the more competent you are and the harder you try, the “luckier” you are. It has nothing to do with luck, and wishing someone luck almost implies that they’re not competent enough, so they’ll need the luck, which pisses me off. And while we’re on the topic of wishing luck…

11. “Well, good luck with that.”

To which I want to respond with a punch to the face and a, “Well, good luck with your broken nose.” Ugh.

This article was originally submitted to Bolde, by Ashley, a freelance writer who runs an Etsy store, Haskell’s Handmades.