11. Asked and answered
“A conversation about names shortening and changing ie. Elizabeth to Beth, then it got to confusing ones like Teddy being short for Theodore. Then:
Friend 1: “How do you get Dick from Richard?”
Friend 2: “Take him out on a date first.””
12. Hard rain
“A gay man to his female friend while I walked to my gym:
“I have the worst luck! It could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face with a vagina!!””
13. It slaps
“I heard a girl talking on the bus about how she was going to smack the crap out of some girl she knew. Her friend said, “But she’s pregnant!” to which this girl replied, “Her face ain’t pregnant.””
14. Director credit
“I have a friend who is full of one liners that never seem to end. A few years ago, he was hanging at my apartment when his cell phone rang (it was around 2 AM). It was some girl calling him. He put her on speaker phone and they did some small talk for a bit when she asked if he wanted to come over and watch a movie. He responds with, “Shoot, if you’re calling me at this hour you better be ready to MAKE a movie.””
15. ‘Til death
“I overheard a Radio Shack employee telling his coworker about a prank he pulled at a wedding the weekend before. He said that he bought a cheap cake at the supermarket on the way and during dinner he went out to his car and cut a slice. He approached the bride and groom while eating it to tell them the cake was delicious and that they made a great choice. The bride and groom were outraged, assuming he had cut their wedding cake before they got the chance to do it.”
16. Business up front
“My grandma was a hair dresser and would do the hair of dead people before funerals. Somehow the fact that she had done the hair of her dead mother came up. To this someone said, “That must have been really hard.” (as in emotionally).
My grandma just looked at them like they were dumb and said, “No, it’s easy. You only have to do the front half.””
17. Dad joke
“One day, when I was 18 years old, I asked my father if I was a mistake:
“Dad am I a mistake?”
Without missing a beat he quipped, “A mistake? You’re not a mistake. You’re a f***ing tragedy. You can live with a mistake.” He then laughs and walks off.”
18. Owned
“Girl hanging out with a guy and what looks to be his little brother.
Guy: “You dating anyone?”
Girl: “Nah, don’t have time for that.”
Little Brother: “Maybe you’re a lesbian.”
Girl: “Yeah if the choice is between women and you.”
19. Crowning achievement
“Was buying something at the register when I hear these two guys behind me leave and one of them says, “Alright let’s make like a baby and head out.” I never heard someone say that before and it had me laughing.”
20. On a roll
“In an elevator. Two beautiful, impeccably dressed young women get on. One is on her mobile. She ends the conversation when she sees me and we all stand there in awkward elevator silence, listening to whatever midi file was coming from the speakers.
The girl with the phone turns to her friend and says, “I know this song, but I can’t remember the name. It’s so 80s…”
The other girl, without even looking up, says instantly and dryly, “Yeah, just like your outfit.”
The first lets out a half gasp/half laugh, then there’s about a second of silence and the other girl screams, “BAM! It’s crazy up in here” and gives ME a high five.
Then other girl says, “Yeah, just like your eyebrows.” And then did the weirdest finger-snapping happy dance I’d ever seen.”