77 Utterly Random Thoughts I Had While Watching Season 8, Episode 5 Of ‘Game Of Thrones’

As any Game of Thrones fan knows, the second to last episode of any season is usually the craziest. But, when it comes to Season 8—everything has been…a disappointment. While I’m glad some things went down, I can’t say I’m glad how they went down.

I have…thoughts.

1. Happy Mother’s Day Everyone! Here’s to hoping someone murders Cersei and her unborn incest child. Cheers!

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2. Here we go Varys, spreading all the gossip around the Seven Kingdoms like he’s Wendy Williams.

3. Varys is 900% dying in this episode. When’s the last time he got this much screen time? See ya, no dick.

4. Jon Snow, loyal like a Stark. Won’t say one bad thing about his aunty-lover.

5. Too bad Ned got decapitated for his loyalty, should learn from your uncle-daddy.

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6. Dany is 10 steps ahead of everyone. Two days later and she knew the entire telephone line; a queen knows everything.

7. Everyone’s going to get the dragon fire…EVERYONE. Dany is looking cray-cray, like Kanye West mid-Twitter rant cray-cray. It’s coming. I feel it.

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8. Tyrion knows he fucked over the man who saved him from his sister all those years ago, how bad do you feel? Superbad.

9. Called it. Bye Varys.

10. So we’re going to keep killing off secondary characters but NOT ONE MAIN CHARACTER WILL DIE? This…show…

11. Dany is the queen of manipulation I’ll tell you that much. Blaming Sansa for Varys’ death?

Bravo

12. These two are STILL FUCKING even though she’s his aunt? STILL? Jon would never.

13. Jon can’t even fathom fucking his family.

14. So basically Dany is the Mad Queen now with no Jorah and no Missandei. Yup.

15. Tyrion must feel pretty stupid for leaving his batshit crazy sister for another batshit crazy queen.

16.Arya Stark, always so subtle with who she wants to kill.

17. Jaime loves being a prisoner of the Starks, always finds himself wrapped around a pole in a camp.

18. Is Tyrion the only one who cares about the people of King’s Landing? Seems like it.

19. So, Jaime really came back to BE WITH Cersei and not kill her? What happened to the prophecy? WHAT HAPPENED TO MURDERING HER?!?

20. Aww Tyrion. I actually feel bad. For Tyrion. Not Jaime. Fuck you Jaime.

21. This is some “battle.” Not…

22. Everyone at this battle looks like me showing up to a work meeting that could have easily been an email: “I don’t WANT to be here but I guess I have to be.”

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23. Why is Cersei in Targaryen red?

24. Arya snuck right on into there, Westeros Ninja Warrior.

25. Gotta be quicker than that, y’all. Nothing getting past these dragons.

26. So this is what Missandei meant when she said DRACARYS.

27. Wow that Grey Worm run was such bad CGI I saw the green screen from my own living room.

28. I’ve never seen Cersei so scared in my life. Remember when she killed everyone with wildfire? Where’s THAT Cersei?

29. Why is this the most awkward battle in history? Everyone’s just strolling around aimlessly.

30. THESE DUDES JUST GIVING UP????

31. Cersei Lannister folding in a fight? I never.

32. Oh shit, Dany isn’t ready to quit.

33. She’s not going to give up even if Cersei surrenders.

34. So now she’s just killing innocent people? Ok, Mad Queen.

35. Jon realizes that they Varys was right; Dany coo-coo for cocoa puffs.

36. Now what the fuck is even thepoint of this???

37. Now we’re just murdering innocent children?? The fuck?

38. Euron Greyjoy is so extra for absolutely no reason, no one likes him not even Cersei that was a straight up pitty fuck because Jaime left and he knows it.

39. We call that the “rebound.”

40. This is the most pathetic fight on the show. Cersei doesn’t love either of you she loves POWER.

41. Clearly, you didn’t kill him if he’s walking away, Euron.

42. Can we all agree Euron Greyjoy was the most pointless character on GoT?

43. Wait Arya Stark is literally inside the Red Keep on the map floor already? NINJA.

44. The Hound has become one of my favorite characters on this show, easily.

45. CLEGANEBOWLLLLLL!!!!! FINALLY. IT’S WHAT WE DESERVE.

46. Cersei is alone-alone now. That’s that. She’s dying today.

47. Should have let Arya stick around she could have merked Cersei right then and there. On the steps. Valar Morghulis motherfucker.

48. The Mountain is even more fucked up looking than the Hound? Wow.

49. Wait Jaime is legit here to LOVE her?

50. This some BULLSHIT.

51. Jaime Lannister character arc for WHAT??? For NOTHING.

52. How dare they make me like someone who sucks so much. He’s still the same Jaime that pushed Bran out of a window.

53. GOOD FOR NOTHING.

54. Arya, time to go after Dany forget Cersei. Let her die.

55. Wait, can the Mountain not die? What an unfair Cleganebowl. This is worse than the deflate gate.

56. OH SHIT NO SANDOR! MY MAN! NO!

57. Jon’s really standing here like “Fuck, I love a psychopath…”

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58. And now Arya’s standing here like “I told you she was a psychopath…”

59. There goes your game plan, Jaime.

60. So now what?

61. THAT’S IT????????

62. THIS IS HOW CERSEI DIES?!? BECAUSE THE DAMN BUILDING FELL?

63. Ugh, come on.

64. How underwhelming.

65. She barely put up a fight.

66. Eight long seasons of crazy Cersei and you’re telling me she dies WITH the man she loves under a building?

67. I hate this show.

68. Come on Arya, you’ve been through worse. You spent an entire season blind. You can do this. Get out of there.

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69. I hope to God that Arya kills Dany because this bitch has officially lost it.

70. Where the fuck did this horse come from???????

71. Dany done lost her mind, y’all.

72. You went from breaker of chains to killer of EVERYONE?

73. You murdered CHILDREN AND WOMEN after you murdered all the people who RAPED and MURDERED children?

74. IS THIS A SICK JOKE?

75. You freed thousands of slaves and Dracarys’d up people JUST to turn into those same people?

76. Cue Drake’s “I’m Upset.”

77. THROW THE WHOLE DAMN SEASON AWAY, Y’ALL.

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Written by Lex Gabrielle

A writer and teacher from New York City who fully supports messy buns and 3+ cups of coffee a day.