We all do stupid things in our lives—no one is perfect. Sometimes, we make mistakes that we can easily recover from. Other times, our partner will never, ever let us live down the dumb, outrageous, stupid things we do and say. Isn’t that what love is about, anyway? Good thing there are places like Reddit who ask our partners to share these very stories and embarrass us all for the rest of our lives. Good thing my boyfriend doesn’t use Reddit much—or I’d be f*cked.
1.
She told me she only waxes her legs, because if you shave one hair, then it splits and two grow back in its place…
2.
I asked him to plant a baby tree in the back garden. The next day I saw it and thought it looked strange. Walked up and it had been planted upside down. He thought the roots were tiny limp branches. Laughed for days.
3.
We bought a new car. She asked me if I changed the settings to Spanish because it said ‘Ajar’ on the dash when the door was open.
4.
As I’m in labor with our daughter, my husband asks “Do you want her to have an innie or an outie belly button?” Weird question, but whatever. So I tell him I don’t mind either way, both are cute. And then he says “Yeah, but when the Dr asks, which should we pick for her?”
He thought when they clamp the umbilical cord, parents tell the Dr the type of belly button they prefer. He’s really smart, I promise.
5.
When my wife and I started dating in the mid 1980’s she knew I was a huge fan of David Letterman. She said she had a huge surprise for me as she had tickets to see Letterman at a local venue.
I was confused since David Letterman did not tour. I looked at the tickets she purchased and they were for the old 60’s band “The Lettermen.”
6.
One time my husband called me at work, “Babe, you’re gonna be mad, I made a mess but don’t worry I’ll fix it!” I didn’t even ask, just sighed, because he is basically Lucy from I Love Lucy. When I got home a little bit later it was to a living room COVERED in gray powder, my husband completely filthy with a trash bag and broom and a super panicked look on his face. Turned out he’d decided to help around the house and wanted to clean the fireplace, he’d just decided the best way to do it would be to stand in front of it with a trash bag and use the leaf blower to blow the ashes in.
7.
My boyfriend as we were looking up at the beautiful night sky.
“Wow, there’s so much we don’t know about the universe. Like where the stars go during the day. Are they still there? If not, where do they go?”
He was dead serious.
8.
My favorite memory of my parents is going to some fast food joint, through the drive thru. Mom is driving and giving our orders to the cashier. Just as she finishes my dad casually says “To go” my mom, and she turns back to the cashier and says “To go.” Two seconds of buffering later and she slaps my dad full on in the chest, who is laughing fucking hysterically. Dont think we’ve ever let her live that down.
9.
I showed her how to crack an egg by tapping it against another egg and she thought this meant any amount of force would be absorbed by only one egg and smashed two eggs together spraying yolk everywhere.
10.
My girlfriend in college attended my graduation and afterward says to me, “Man, there were a lot of people with the name ‘lawdy’.”
Each time someone was given their degree, it was announced whether they were graduating “cum laude” or not. My girlfriend thought America’s largest family graduated from university with me that day – the Lawdy family (and they all looked unrelated.)
11.
My husband and I were at Canadian Tire and they had tiny examples of tents (basically looked like they were made for barbie dolls) and the pricing for each underneath. He turned to me shocked and asked, “why are these so expensive for such tiny tents?!”.
12.
As we were driving along the road we saw a horse with its head over a gate. We slowed down, she opens the window and says “Mooooooo.”
13.
I love my husband but I have watched him empty a vacuum cleaner bag into a wire wastebasket.
I, on the other hand, am frequently unable to remember common words and have to resort to saying things like “The box you put stuff in to make it cold.”
14.
My boyfriend thought that a sushi roll was a cross section of a raw eel.
15.
She ate cold turkey to try and quit smoking.
16.
Tried to make baked potatoes in the microwave for the first time. Wrapped them in tinfoil. Came to ask me why there were lightning bolts in the microwave and why was it getting very hot.
17.
We were driving one day and were stopped at a red light. She’s looking at a sign and the following exchange occurs:
Her: “What a dumb name for a street!”
Me: “Huh? What street?”
Her: “Bone Marrow Drive? Who would name a street Bone Marrow Drive?”
It was a sign for a local bone marrow drive that would be taking place, not the name of the street. We still talk about it to this day.
18.
Now ex girlfriend from high school. Her power had gone out in the neighboring town. She called crying saying she had so much homework to complete. I said to drive to my house since I still had power. She yelled at me saying “how dare you attempt to get me to drive! How do you expect me to do that… my headlights won’t work!”
19.
nothing too dumb. I have a fan with different settings labelled L M H for how fast the fan spins.
She was looking at it and told me she set the fan to ‘Large.’
20.
He is super grossed out my periods, when I asked him what he would do if we had a daughter he replied “I just won’t change her diaper that time of the month.”
21.
A now ex but we were trying to dirty talk and couldn’t think of the word “clit” so instead he said “tiddly bit” I was laughing so much that we couldn’t continue.
22.
In high school, my girlfriend said, “Do you know what I just realized? There’s no state that starts with the letter F!”
We went to school in Florida.
23.
On the phone trying to describe where we are to her parents:
“We are behind the car that’s in front of us.”
I lost it.
24.
Wife was getting in the car to take me to work
Started shouting at me to hurry up then it dawned on her she had got in the passenger side by mistake.
25.
“The hardest part of writing a check is you have to write in cursive.”
26.
I work at a school and received a candle as a gift one year for christmas from a parent. They were known to be hippies and set in their lifestyle. My boyfriend picked it up and said “wow, what hipsters, they even got a candle made in Mexico. It says soy candle!!” The candle was made from soy wax, it did not say “I am candle” in Spanish, much to his disappointment and my delight.
27.
My fiancee was setting up for my 30th birthday at a bar. She was blowing up balloons with her mouth and taping them to the wall on the outside deck the bar had. She asked me, “why aren’t they floating up?”
28.
For some reason, when she’s done watching a video she doesn’t pause it or close out of the window; she just shuts her laptop. This has twice resulted in her scandalizing a quiet lecture hall with the sound of porn resuming at full volume.
And she gets off on some wacky shit.
29.
My husband called me one day with a wild story. He said he sharted and wanted to see if there was poop on his ass so he stood on the toilet and spread his ass cheeks while looking in the mirror to see the damage. Then, from him standing on the toilet seat he broke it. He fell to the floor and said he saw pubes and started puking. After all that I asked him why he didn’t just wipe his ass like a normal person but he insisted he had to look at his butthole.
h/t: Reddit.