Depression and mental illness can take over just about anyone when it’s severe enough. No matter how many people look as though they’re doing well on the outside, you never truly know what’s going on inside someone else’s mind—especially when they’re suffering from depression and other mental health disorders. Recently, a 27-year-old blogger and nutritionist committed suicide and left behind a touching, heartfelt note on her website.
Tara Condell of San Francisco shared a letter on her website saying goodbye to her friends, family, and to all of her hobbies she will miss. The foodie had traveled the world for quite some time—as she claims, on other’s dimes—and experienced all wonderful things. However, her illness did take her, like many others who also suffer from mental disorders.
In her letter titled: I Hate The Word “Bye”, But See You Later Maybe? she wrote:
I have written this note several times in my head for over a decade, and this one finally feels right. No edits, no overthinking. I have accepted hope is nothing more than delayed disappointment, and I am just plain old-fashioned tired of feeling tired.
I realize I am undeserving of thinking this way because I truly have a great life on paper. I’m fortunate to eat meals most only imagine. I often travel freely without restriction. I live alone in the second greatest American city (San Francisco, you’ll always have my heart). However, all these facets seem trivial to me. It’s the ultimate first world problem, I get it. I often felt detached while in a room full of my favorite people; I also felt absolutely nothing during what should have been the happiest and darkest times in my life. No single conversation or situation has led me to make this decision, so at what point do you metaphorically pull the trigger?
I’m going to miss doing NYT crosswords (I was getting really good). That one charcuterie board with taleggio AND ‘nduja. Anything Sichuan ma la, but that goes without saying. A perfect plate of carbonara (no cream!). Real true authentic street tacos. Cal-Italian cuisine. Hunan Bistro’s fried rice. The pork belly and grape mini from State Bird Provisions circa 2013. Popeye’s of course. Bambas too.
I’m also going to miss unexpected hugs. Al Green’s Simply Beautiful. Cherries in July. Tracing a sleeping eyebrow. Smoking cigarettes. The Golden Gate Bridge at sunset. That first sip of iced cold brew in sticky August. Making eye contact with people walking down the street. When songs feel like they’re speaking to your soul. Jeopardy. Saying I love you. Late night junk food binges. Shooting the shit. And especially the no-destination-in-sight long walks.
No GoFundMes, no funeral, no tributes, no doing-too-much please. All I ask now is for you to have one delicious (I mean a really really great) meal in my honor and let me go, no exceptions.
It’s selfishly time for me to be happy and I know you can get down with that. Please try to remember me as a whole human you shared memories with and not just my final act. This is not your fault. It’s not exactly easy for me either, I’m here for you. I love you. I always have and I always will, I promise. Shikata ga’nai.
I’m coming home, Dad. Make some room up on that cloud and turn the Motown up.
I’m really sorry mama.
Tara was found dead by police, with a strap around her neck, having hung herself. Our heartfelt condolences to Tara’s friends and family during this difficult time.
If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.