Comedian Breaks Down Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ Into Worst First Date Ever

Wednesday was Michael Jackson’s birthday, and people were celebrating the King of Pop by listening to his music, sharing pictures on social media, and remembering the best anecdotes associated with one of the biggest names in show business. We’ll have to celebrate a hundred more Jackson birthdays before we run out of material, especially because people keep giving the old stuff a remix.

Comedian Roy Wood Jr. used the King’s birthday to ponder an alternate reality timeline in which the classic music video for “Thriller” was retold as some woman’s long Twitter thread about a terrible date. Goodness knows there are plenty of terrible date stories on Twitter, and looked at objectively, “Thriller” is a terrible date. For everybody.

Excellent points are made, like why did my dude run out gas right there on the highway?

It’s also true that if you’re a werewolf and it’s your time to transform, you shouldn’t be scheduling dates. I don’t make plans to hang out during my time of the month, so please be respectful, werewolves.

But the date continued:

Anyone would be pissed to find out they were on a date with a broke artist who rehearses scary zombie dances all day instead of looking for a job:

Olay Ray is just looking out for the other ladies:

What’s funny (besides this whole thread) is that Wood wrote he’s been trying to sell this idea on stage, but the audience never laughs:

Picturing Wood trying to explain the idea of a Twitter thread based on a music video to a silent audience is hilarious to me. Some ideas just do better on Twitter. The entire concept of “Thriller” has done pretty well over the years on its own, if the millions of parodies, tributes, and rip-offs are any indication. But as the story of a date gone south? It’s perfect.

I bet no one would take the warning anyway: we’d all date werewolf Michael Jackson.

Here’s the full video, so you can contrast and compare to your last night out: