Have you ever been turned away from service at a café because the barista thinks you’ve had enough? Is sleep your enemy? Does your boss look for you at the Keurig before they check your desk? Then maybe it’s time to consider ingesting satan’s most stimulating brew as something other than a brew. It’s modern times, we don’t need to drink bean water to get that wonderful shot of caffeine in our system.
There are lots of incredible products that will give you the same boost without soaking your teeth in staining brown liquid. It’s also useful for when you’re running or riding a bike or some other activity where a cup of boiling coffee isn’t safe to carry. Yes, I’ve heard of iced coffee, but that’s not what this post is about. It’s about showing you all the options out there for getting incredibly hype on one of our last legal drugs.
7. As Candy
Chocolate actually already has caffeine in it, though generally much less than a cup of coffee, about 35 mg compared to 95 mg. There are also products like Bawls Mints, which are made with highly caffeinated guarana and promise to blow the top of your head off with awake-ness. They’ll also make your breath fresh. That’s a real change from coffee for sure!
6. As Health Bars
The Rx Coffee Chocolate Bar is made from pretty good stuff—egg whites, almonds, cashews and dates. Yum. Sadly, it only has 5 mg of caffeine, so you’ll have to eat a lot of them to equal a whole cup of coffee. Still, a potentially good option if you’re really trying to bulk out.
5. Through Your Butt
My Google search suggestions have been destroyed in an effort to know more about them, but it seems like a coffee enema does more than make you poop—it gives you a buzz. This is not the neatest or most compact option for ingesting caffeine, but it certainly offers novelty. It also supposedly clears out your “toxins.” I usually drink coffee to ingest more toxins, so that’s pretty cool.
If that enema didn’t work, nothing will get your entire body as stimulated as Kombucha Coffee produced by Reed’s Culture Club. Kombucha also often has between 30-50 mg of caffeine in it because it’s generally brewed with tea. This brew has Oolong and yerba mate and coffee in it. I don’t know what maniac decided to mix tea and coffee and let it ferment, but this is the result and it’s for sale. I often drink kombucha not long after drinking coffee, so this is much, much more efficient. And good for your gut health, too!
3. Ice Cream
All right, enough of this healthy crap. If you need caffeine and also want to be sure you’re doing nothing good for your body, try coffee ice cream. The amount of caffeine inside varies depending on the brand, but it’s paired with sugar and fat so you can’t go wrong.
There are a couple types of jerky that claim to lace caffeine, vitamin B and guarana into their beef, but it seems hard to buy the actual jerky online. Believe me, I’ve tried. Alien Energy Jerky supposedly contains about 110 mg of caffeine per serving. Is that..too much? Hell nah. Gives whole new meaning to the phrase “hot beef injection.”
1. Straight Beans
Go straight to the source: a delicious roasted bean. It really cuts out the middle-man, you need much less household equipment to ingest it, and it costs a lot less to buy a bag of beans than pay for a daily latte. Chocolate covered beans run about 5 mg-7 mg per bean, so just shove a handful in your mouth and jog to the bus. The only downside is you definitely have to brush and floss after these—or just suck on one of those guarana mints and start over again from the top of the list.