Have you ever been so enthusiastic about slicing into an avocado that you overestimated its rigidness, and, with one fell swoop of your clumsy hand you sliced through your other hand? Me either, but I’ve come close. And I certainly know more than one (!) person who was forced to go to the emergency room as a result of their avocado misfortune.
If you are one of the unlucky souls in the latter category, I have good news for you. Your avocado-related fears are now a thing of the past, for the pitless avocado exists. The future is now.
The British supermarket chain Marks and Spencer proved they are living in 3017 while the rest of us are in 2017 when they recently began to sell the “cocktail avocado,” which is an avocado with softer skin and no pit. The Guardian interviewed a food specialist at Marks and Spencer who said, “We’ve had the mini, the giant, ready sliced and we’re now launching the holy grail of avocados—stoneless.”
Twitter being Twitter— AKA full of snarky snarks who clearly have never experienced an avocado related injury— were quick to jump on the sarcasm train.
I was happy to see this move towards a safer world. But to my dismay it seems this new avocado shape is much pointier and knife like. No thanks!
— Ellie (@EllieMoose516) December 11, 2017
Some just couldn’t believe the pitless avocado is an actual, real thing.
Not the Onion. Stoneless avocados coming to market. https://t.co/ud6ZBg2SpW pic.twitter.com/6U3AzWkaP4
— Robert Ruggiero (@robert_ruggiero) December 8, 2017
I have lived in Southern California for a third of my life and have never one heard of anyone injuring themselves on avocado. How do you even do that?
— Nicholas Slayton (@NSlayton) December 11, 2017
While others pondered, why stop at no pit? Why not, oh I don’t know, create a longer time span between hard-as-rock and soft-and-blackened?
But before you start laughing, consider this startling fact: In May, the British Association of Plastic, Reconstructive and Aesthetic Surgeons issued a warning for “avocado hands,” which is exactly what it sounds like– people accidentally slashing their hands open in an effort to get at that fatty green stuff we all love so much. One U.K. hospital even claims to experience a “post-brunch surge” of avocado hands on Saturday. The wife of a New York Times staffer apparently left the hospital with a $20,000 bill after her own bloody avocado experience.
Unfortunately, if you want to live in a world where you can purchase cocktail avocados stat, you’ll have to move to the U.K. The safety-conscious avo-alternative is only available to Brits, just like clotted cream and spotted dick. Y’all can keep those, though.