Many friendships develop naturally. But there are those of us who struggle with how we come across to others, and others still who or are looking for ways to ensure a specific person will like them. Turns out, it’s a lot easier than you think— and there are ways to achieve this without even saying a single word!
1. Buy the person you’re with a hot coffee.
A 2008 paper published in the journal Science found that physical warmth is related to feelings of interpersonal warmth without the person’s awareness. In other words, having them hold a hot cup of coffee or tea will subconsciously prep them to feel an emotional warmth towards you.
The researchers concluded: “Experiences of physical temperature per se affect one’s impressions of and prosocial behavior toward other people, without one’s awareness of such influences.”
2. Expect good things.
In a 2010 Harvard Magazine article, social psychologist Amy Cuddy writes “If you think someone’s a jerk, you’ll behave toward them in a way that elicits jerky behaviors.” This aligns with the Pygmalion effect, which basically states higher expectations lead to better performance. Basically, this is all just a roundabout way of saying PMA.
3. Mirror the person you are with.
Mirroring means subtly copying a person’s behavior, including facial expressions, body language, and hand gestures. An oft-cited 1999 NYU study documented this “chameleon effect,” finding that when people unconsciously mimic each other’s behavior, they tend to like each other a lot more.
4. Smile!
In a University of Wyoming study, nearly 100 undergraduate women looked at photos of another woman in one of four poses: smiling in an open-body position, smiling in a closed-body position, not smiling in an open-body position, or not smiling in a closed-body position. They found that the woman in the photo was liked most when she was smiling, regardless of her body position.
Another 2015 study found that it’s much easier to remember people you met if they happened to be smiling when you first saw them. It’s easier to remember the surroundings, too. So if you want somebody to not only remember you but associate good feelings with you, make sure you smile as you shake their hand.
5. Listen!
The opposite of speaking! Likeable people are always those who listen and are genuinely interested in what the other party has to say. Asking somebody a question about themselves will put them at ease as well as provide more fodder for conversation, if that’s what you’re worried about.
A recent Harvard study found that speaking about yourself is “inherently rewarding,” meaning that it makes you feel good. So being a good listener inherently makes your conversational partner feel good while retaining positive memories of your interaction.
6. Casually touch them.
Studies have shown that people who gently touch those they are with— I’m talking so subtly the other person hardly notices—generally do better in all aspects of life than those who don’t. This includes tapping someone on the shoulder or arm while talking to them, or lightly touching their back when greeting them.
A University of Mississippi and Rhodes College experiment studied the effects of interpersonal touch on restaurant tipping and found waitresses who briefly touched customers on the hand or shoulder as they were returning change earned significantly larger tips than waitresses who enacted zero subliminal touching.
In “Subliminal: How Your Unconscious Mind Rules Your Behavior,” author Leonard Mlodinow describes a French study in which young men stood on street corners and talked to women who walked by. They had double (!) the success rate in striking up a conversation when they lightly touched the woman’s arms as they talked to them than those who did nothing at all. This doesn’t give you free license to go around touching strange women. Just be smart about it, is all.
7. Buy ’em a donut.
This one is not backed by any research. I’m just saying, how can you dislike someone who bought you a donut!? It’s basically science.