For the first time in almost a decade, I decided to hop on board the acrylic nail trend to see what all the fuss was about. I spent about an hour in the nail salon, sitting patiently as the nail technician filed away and shaped my normally short nails into glorious, almond shaped works of art.
(Not my actual nails.)
I loved my new fancy hands at first sight. I was fabulous. I was UNSTOPPABLE. I totally felt like one of those glamorous Instagram baddies…..until about 20 minutes later when I had to pee. I hadn’t taken into account that an act I had previously considered simple, would end up being more difficult than I’d ever imagined. This led me to start a comprehensive list of the other thoughts and obstacles I experienced over the next week.
1. Wiping is difficult. Is there a trick to this?
2. I can’t open cans….(By that I mean, “Will someone open this beer for me?)
3. I have an itch in my nose, and I’m worried that if I try to scratch it I will puncture my brain.
4. If I send one more text with an exclamation point instead of a question mark I swear to the heavens above..
5. I have got to stop tapping my nails on EVERY surface. I’m even getting on my own damn nerves.
6. I’m starting to get self conscious about the amount of time it takes me to remove cards from my wallet. How are other girls so good at this? Whenever I go to pay for anything I’m getting dirty looks from bartenders, cashiers, and fellow patrons alike.
7. What do I do about this whitehead that appeared out of nowhere on my forehead. Am I supposed to just not pop it?!
8. I vow to never take the sensation of scratching a mosquito bite with my real nails for granted ever again. (Actual photo of my face while scratching a mosquito bite post-acrylic.)
9. Who knew that unlocking a door would be 1000% more challenging than locking it?
10. Wait….I actually have to use a makeup brush to put on eye shadow now?
11. How long does it take for the smell of Cheeto to wear off of acrylic?
12. Oh no..oh no no no no. I HAVE AN EYELASH IN MY EYE. What in the HELL do I do??!!
13. I haven’t even done anything messy today, so why does the underside of my nail look like I’ve been playing in dirt?
14. I sure miss that time 2 days ago when I wasn’t afraid of puncturing a wad of toilet paper and accidentally stabbing myself.
Three hours and a Swiss army knife is what it took to remove those bad boys (and yes, I know I’m supposed to have them professionally removed but I couldn’t take it anymore). No matter how difficult life became during my week of acrylics, I will always cherish the beauty of my bougie little almond nails and the short time we had together. But..maybe I’ll try powder dip next instead.