7 Scary Things No One Warns You About Turning 30

It’s like a second puberty.

Anyone who says 30 is just a number is either very old or very young. The body knows when it enters its third decade, and it changes.

Everyone you know is suddenly trying to be healthy. Joint pain is not just something old people experience. Or maybe it is, and thirty itself is also something old people experience.

1. Your eyebrows will dwindle from 15 years of tweezing, and nothing can bring them back.

My grandfather used to say “it’s better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.” He was talking about whether or not to bring a jacket, but the same is true for brows. If you’re young and have beautiful, bushy brows, don’t succumb to the whims of fashion, even if influencers somehow forget that Priyanka Chopra is objectively perfect. There’s no going back.

2. You’ll start pooping at the same time every day, and you won’t be stopped by the shame of a public bathroom.

For better or for worse, with great age comes great regularity. You may find yourself unable to stat your workday without your 9:00 BM, even when your work crush is in the office by the bathroom.

3. Or your colon will revolt and your life will revolve around constipation.

A 20’s-era diet is less forgiving on a 30’s era body. Either way, poop is your new master.

4. If you are a period-haver, brace yourself for The Bloodening.

This one caught me so off guard that I checked with my doctor and fellow olds in case it meant something was wrong with me. It turns out I was right: what’s wrong with me is that I’m in my 30’s. In terms of predictability, your 30’s are the sweet spot with regard to hormones. That means you can count on a tsunami of blood every 28 days.

5. Everyone you know will begin training for a marathon.

As if sad eyebrows, weird bowels, and a geyser from your uterus weren’t enough, you and everyone you know will start to comprehend that you are going to die one day. In response, your Facebook feed will be filled with folks completing their first 5ks, 10ks, and mini-marathons. Eventually you’ll start seeing your fellow slackers from high school sporting stickers on their windshields bearing the familiar “26.2.”

6. Your friends will start posting pregnancy announcements. For the second time.

The first time your friend has a kid, you might bare your teeth and look away, grateful it didn’t happen to you. But the second time your friend has a kid, you know they did it on purpose. A friend of mine just posted a pregnancy announcement for his fourth child.

7. You’ll stop worrying about “finding yourself.”

Good news! By the time you’re thirty, you will know exactly who you are and who you aren’t, and you’ll be fine with it. You won’t care about fitting into a convenient box or figuring out your “scene.” You’ll just like what you like and not worry about the rest. You’ll also find that you have decidedly fewer bothers to give about what other people think of you.